Resolutions

2011 is coming very close.

As I wait for my ride that will take me to God-knows-where, I just think about all of 2010. I think of all the things I did and some accomplishments. But, I also think about what I didn't do. Like, fall in love, let a little bit more loose, and still not writing that novel. But above all, I realized I succeded another year in being good.

Which has its ups and downs.

Ups because my parents and grandma have total trust in me. I am STD and not prego. I have goal and not addicted to anything.

The downs is the guilt of doing anything (drinking, sex, drugs) because of fear that my mommy (sarcasm) will find out. I officially been branded as a good girl to my alumni, and its embarrassing to admit that this year, I have finally grown a taste to whiskey, vodka, and rum.

But this year, I want to shed that title in telling that I wouldn't mind staying out all night being stupid once in a while. Still, don't think of me as desperate to go trashy. I am just tired of going out of month or so. I am young and should be foolish once in a while.

I can't tell you what will happen as I start this new year. I don't know myself. I will tell you that I will enter the new year relaxed, young, and owning the night.

Have a happy new year!

Sixteen and Famous

I saw one Chelsea Lately show on E!. The great Handler reported that girls are now trying to get pregnant just to be featured on MTV's Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant. Okay, this is real bullshit.

Not that I didn't see this coming. I really did figure that eventually these girls are going to thing that getting pregnant mean getting famous. Look at how we treat these girls. They are on safe sex ads and are on the cover of mags like Us Weekly and People. We treat them like their Lady Gaga or Rachel Ray.

In a way, it is MTV's fault. Was it necessary to continue to another season of 16&P? I really don't mind reality shows like The Real World or Bad Girls Club, because they are over 21 and should know the consequences. These girls really don't know shit. They are very delusional if they think that big fat check from MTV would solve all their problems. They shouldn't worry about a kid or cameras. They should worry about what to wear for prom, or raising their GPA.

If MTV want's to make more money, they should just put on more music videos or interviews with musicians. Not getting a bunch of hormonal teens hopes up.

Generation Me topic: Just like me on Facebook

Okay, Generation Me is a very nice book about the growing narcissistic and dramatic thinking of the current generation. I'd say 16 through 25. It's about how we ( yes I am also in this category) were probably taught by the school system that we could be anything we wanted if we worked hard for it. Maybe it is true. I am not saying it isn't. I could go on and on about this, but that would just prove the Generation Me book to be right.

I was thinking how since the book was first published, how the internet has managed to find ways to only feed us to thinking our opinion matters, how we are individuals, and how we need attention. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but could it be made to one? The majority of the text messages I send it to my facebook status. On facebook and twitter, it's really all about me, isn't it. Facebook and Twitter want to know whats on MY mind. It's also a way to look into others profiles and realize that they are so much cooler on line. See, these social networks not only give us bigger egos, but show an expression that we would never do in real life. I never rofl (roll over the floor laughing) in real life! Especially ten times a day like I always seem to do in facebook.

Though, don't get me wrong, facebook still has it's good things. Like the fact that it's easier to find family or old friends. There have been great stories of such things and I will never dis on facebook for that.

Still, facebook seems to become more of a need in my generation. Every day, some users send pictures of nothing really spectacular, just themselves at a flattering angle with a little spark in their eye. Everyday, people send me ridiculous requests for farmville even though in real life they would never touch a farm. And it seems that even those who say they won't get on these social networks for a month, fail after two days. Why would they? It's not like they don't have their phone or have real friends. My thought is that the imaginary audience state of mind one gets in adolescence seems to only grow bigger.

Really though, blogging is the same thing. No one in particular would read this and I really have no purpose for it. Why do I write still? To say I am an individual by doing something millions are doing?

What is this fear she has?

I would call myself independent thinking, not fully independent. Like most of my generation, I live with my parents, trying to smile through community college, and praying to win some big money or even a car to my name. I do call myself independent thinking because I have this huge belief on relationship status. I believe that if the love bug has not bitten me, do not act on it. I do not believe that we should all live the Wonder Woman did (you know, in a world full of girls) just that love shouldn't be rush. Hell, because of this life decision, I can happily say I have never suffered from heartbreak, which is very rare in this day and age. I guess I see myself as Anne in the beginning of the Jane Austen novel, Persuasion. She gave up Captain Wentworth a bit easily and accepted that she was 27 and not married.

I do believe in love though. Just like any Western girl does. I believe that when I see this Mr. Right, he would scare me, thrill me, and win me over in the matter of two weeks (love at first sight is a bit rare). I would have not problem staying true to him, and i could honestly say that. But, I also believe that before I fall in love, I have to love myself, which is really a challenge. My body isn't like Twiggy, my nose an inch to big, my lips are small, and just a bit of stress is enough to make this big pimple appear at the most wrong of places. It's not just physical traits, its personality. I am shy, I say the worst things at the worst time, and I can easily gain stress and nerves. I have to learn to except all my flaws before I can accept another guys flaws.

Why am I bringing all of this up???Why this proud proclamation of single-hood?

Because of a friend I dub Maggie.

Maggie was a high school friend of mine before I moved. She was loud, a bit of a bitch, and fell too hard for a guy. Any guy really. She was obese, and her greatest asset was her double D boobs that did win many guys over. Remember that this was high school and not many girls could attain them without a knife. Boobs were pretty important to guys.

Still, she was a friend, though I almost cussed her out when she said that I would end up as a bum and live with my mom forever. Like I said, she was a bitch. Still I forgave a bit and when I moved back in the city, we went clubbing together. At this time, she moved out of her parents, into a rocky relationship, moved out to her parent, moved in again, got engaged, engagement off. There was cheating on both parties when we went out, she was living with this ex-fiancee and was seeing a college boy who would do anything more than lay down next to her. It would take chapters to fully explain these relationships.

After one night out in a club, this college boy texts her to break up because her ex texted him. She was pissed and it led us to go over to this ex's apartment and confront. Ugh, that apartment was a piece of crap. It smelled like tuna and cat litter.

Ever since that night, I haven't heard from her in a month and on facebook, I found that she was once again engaged to this ex.

I remember asking her why can't she just be single. She never gave me a straight answer. Just how certain guys made her feel. how they either make her feel beautiful or like shit.

This girl is younger than me. She shouldn't be worried about marriage or relationships. Maybe i wouldn't say anything if we were back in the Nifty Fifties and such rants were not approved by me, but this is the 2010's. It's okay to be single, get an education, and go to the club stag. Am I really the only person that sees this?

It's a Thursday night I just think. Well this one anyways. No one is home, the dogs are quiet and The wind is blowing the cold air. All I can think about is how this semester is almost over and how I am a bit bummed. My teachers are great and I'll miss the hell out of them.

It's kind of a sad life teacher's go through. Particularly the ones that give a damn. Every semester they deal with dozens of new students and in each class there are the few that stay and are passionate of what they are being taught. A bond is slowly growing and then, well...no more. That's it. The semester is over. Sometimes they will see each other again, but one could hope. Very sad.

Also, what the hell is up with all these Christmas commercials. I get that Black Friday (yeah!) is on its way, but do they seriously need to make the whole thing so...Christmas-y? At least give a commercial or two for Thanksgiving!

Besides, Christmas isn't about the competitive shopping or the decor. It's always and should stay to be about family and the reason why we all have a Christmas...for the birth of Jesus. And I am not mentioning the other holidays because I think they get their message more than us celebrating Christmas do. They are okay to me.

Well, that is all. I have to prepare for battle for the Harry Potter premier and I will try not to gush about its awesomeness.

Blogging Molly

Okay, Molly ( whomever she maybe) has nothing to do with this entry. I thought I would be cute by making it sound like that fabulous band, Flogging Molly ( what the hell is flogging?). I been thinking how no one responds to these things; to these blogs. If you think about it, I could say the most fucked up things and no one really cares. As could anyone else. People, unless we have a book coming out, have money to buy us a name,own a gaining fame store/website, or spend our time taking pictures or adorably funny youtube videos, we will not be heard. Why do we blog?

I guess its a sense of being of columnist. I haven't met every blogger in the world, but I assume we all wanted to publish a novel, write our opinions on politics and human interest, or even desired to see our work read. My whole life I just assumed that I would be a famous writer. This might be the writer in us trying to reach out to the world. We just pray that our life would take a turn like Julie Powell. If you haven't seen the movie "Julie & Julia" or read the book, its pretty decent. I will just say that Powell was dubbed by her loved ones and "the one" to write the best novel EVER. Only to be married in Brooklyn on top of a Pizzeria with a job she didn't really care for. The world of Blogging inspired Powell to sacrifice her loved ones affections and take on the public challenge of finishing all of Julia Child's recipies in a year.

Okay, what the hell am I doing? This is not a movie review or a musical review! Point is, bloggers like myself don't ask for much. Just a word out and to see anyone yells back. This is just a word out from a girl who once thought she knew it all, but maybe that was just the blogging world telling me I did.

The Party Girl

We all know that one girl that has charm, sex appeal, and social impact. She is easily in good favor with new employees and could fetch herself a boyfriend in one night. I know this girl. My friends, even though I do go clubbing all I need is the beat of the music and the heat of the dance floor to keep me happy. I don't drink. When I do, it is only sips that never seem to taste as good as people say. Their bitter and leave the smell in your mouth like coffee (which I never care for).

My dear friend does drink. She drinks vodka, Jack, rum, beer, wine. Anything that you put in front of her. She is not happy unless a boy offers her a drink at the club.

That's not all that's been wrong. She makes these really important decisions and changes them at the drop of a hat. It's always the same skeleton. She dates a guy (preferably in military) and he starts putting all these plans: like they will room together when he comes back. He would have all this money and they would be able to live in a house of her dreams, get married, and have babies. Than, she thinks of running off with him. Not to elope, but to spend a week together before he goes off and then drops her off at a state she never really cared for. She starts feeling trapped and suddenly figures she will join the navy. Wait...but first she must decide if she REALLY wants to do it. When she manages to suck up all the money her parents have on a plane ticket, she suddenly comes to me on big plans. How we will room together and how it would be like a bachelorette pad (what ever happened to military boy?). Then she finds another military boy and another skeleton is created starting with them planning to run off together in two weeks.

People, I do not know what to do with this. It has been bugging me like hell. Should I stick with her or should I talk to her. Please give me something...anything.

Prayers

Lately, I've been feeling more sure than usual.

I don't know how to explain. As a teen, you go through these years and uncertainty and quiet insanity, now that I am in the finish line...I am still uncertain but still certain. Seriously, no one is really certain unless there some kind of genius. Lets admit, we seem to be fresh out of those by the days.

I'm really certain that everything will be okay. Maybe not meeting up to my dreams, but they are better than my nightmares. Is it possible that I have become accepting of what's already been drawn out?

Still, I long for that special someone I have been drowning on about. She really is special to me and there is not a day goes by that I don't want to say "sorry" or "lets start over". Still, the point of moving on is accepting that...she might not ever come back. Sad thought, but I don't feel as pained about it as I used to be. I think I'm really healing.

This past year has been...a little more interesting than the rest. I grew, regretted, and accepted. I accept that some people will never come back. I regret that I was the reason they never will. Still, the best thing to do right now is breath in...out and remember that it could all be worse.

valentine

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
Diamonds last forever
but I prefer some new shoes.
Couples have passed
while I remain alone.
As they smile in the sun.
I am stuck in the snow.

If Jealousy Was a Crime, Then I Would Get Life Sentence

I have been feeling more unfulfilled than usual. Could it be Valentine's (Single Awareness) Day? Of course. Here I am getting my Ben and Jerry ready while my cousin is out there having the time of her life while flashing her V card all over the place. Life haws been good to me, but it doesn't feel like enough. I keep telling myself my time will come and everything will be fine, but there is this red lightbulb on the top of my head that keeps going off. I am jealous, jealous of the girl my ex gets to sleep with, of my cousins constant clubbing, the girls who wear the clothes I want, and the beautiful couples. Jealousy seems to only define me. What a sad world I created for myself.