A Semester Done...Now What?

A semester is done and the possibilities ahead of me seem scary but refreshing at the same time. Mostly because i am pretty damn proud of my 3.0 GPA. In high school, I was lucky enough for a 2.5. So this is a self-esteem booster.

It’s like this for me because I can officially go to a university. Well, if they’ll except me. And they better! But still, I always wanted to go to a university, even when I knew the odds were against me. Believe me, they were. In high school, I had such low self-esteem that I skipped classes and made a minimum effort of trying.

Okay, enough with the whole inspirational “Freedom Writers” bit.

As on year is coming to a end, another will begin and the older my ass will be. Lately I have been thinking of my singlehood and how there seemed to be no Mr. Books in the south. I guess it plagues me more because Candy is having a baby and I am going for university (soon?). I have come to this realization that no matter how great our friendship is, we belong in different paths.

So that’s what growing up is I guess. There is only one thing to do…I think.

Just a little change

I love the movie "Breakfast At Tiffany's". Any girl would. Not because of the fashion or the stud muffin Paul. Really just because in some sense, we have all been there. We all tried our easy way out, use charm to mask distress, or ran away from someone that actually did care about us. I always felt that that was really what the movie was all about. Then I noticed just a little something from the movie that did show up in my current events.

I have described Candy as a girl who loves the parties and always has some conflict with men. She is the girl that doesn't know too much about literature or stories like I do. Not because she is stupid, she is actually very smart despite her other friends, but she doesn't care for reading, or watching things that weren't on a screen. The only thing she will watch on stage is a sweaty country artist with toned arms.

But I really wanted to watch a play. We will say RENT. I don't remember how exactly I did it, but I managed to get Candy to go with me. As the play went on though, I really got nervous of what she thought. She didn't care for musicals, only Moulin Rouge. But in the end, Candy enjoyed it. It helped that the second leading man was attractive and a good singer. She now wants to see another musical.

I'm not saying she is going to start going to get tickets for Hairspray or Fiddler on the Roof. I'm just saying she changed in a very small way.

I started thinking in ways she changed me. I am still shy in my own way. But when I talk, I talk. I'm not as scared of people and that's really because of Candy. She would be the first to say. And she still continues to do so.

Our styles, if anything are a big indignation of how we grew. I don't wear shirts from Hot Topic anymore, in fact, even going near the store makes me feel a bit out of their market audience. Have you seen the kids that lurk there? Candy on the other hand used to love bright colors and bling. She was actually very girly. Even though she struggles to get her HS self back for the sake of Micro, she really just goes for tight jeans and tank tops. She dresses more for comfort and style basics rather than a actual label.

These things aren't bad either. We are supposed to change. If we didn't you'd see lawyers wearing overalls and nurses carrying teddy bear back packs. Everyone would still be watching Rugrats rather than the news. The Oscars would just be more like the Teen Choice Awards.

Why the hell does this involve Breakfast at Tiffany's? There is a part in there where Paul and Holly go a day living life the way the other would. Paul saw Holly's sanctuary (Tiffany's and Co.) and Holly saw Paul's (the library). And days later Paul found Holly at the library reading. She changed only a little, but she was still Holly.

So if you find yourself doing less of what you did three years ago, don't look it as a way of giving in to something. Just as a way of growing up.

ScheiBe

Okay, there is supposed to be a b looking accent in the title word rather than English "B", but my computer is lame soooo deal with it!

I have been out for a bit, mostly because I had no clue what to write about. Also, summer schoo is it's usual shitty self.

Now, scheibe (pronounced shy-za) is the German word for shit. If you are a Gaga monster, you would know it's the name of a song off her new album (in stores now!). The song is really the purpose here. There is this part where she sings:

I wish I could dance on a single prayer.

I wish I could go without permission, yeah

I wish I could dance on a single prayer

I wish I could be strong without the scheibe there.

Scheibe is referring to the man that is putting her down. The song is a very feminist song so I love the scheibe out of it.

I was thinking about it because of text from candy after a fight with a bf. I should change. I was hoping her choice of men, but she meant herself to be approved by this loser.

I'm not saying change is bad. God no! But I believe that the only good reason to change is for yourself. Not for some guy. Or any guy. If you have a true love or soul mate. Whatever people call it these days, I believe they should be willing to accept you. They should also accept the choices you make that does include change. You should be willing as well.

I feel like I'm the only one that sees this.

Why I Just Get More Pale and Less Tanned

I had a vision for this summer. The vision: Days at the beach, nights with vodka, passing both classes with a click of a mouse, and a set of new shoes. Like pumps or maybe a nice sling back. Instead, I got: family drama, failing one class, and going crazy by staying inside for days. Worst thing is I have yet to go to the gym and now I gained about three pounds and lost the tone in my legs. I used to be so proud that I had better legs than King and Bunny and now their like jell-o.

Summer is normally like this for me though. But I really need to get out of the slump soon. First step is going to get a burger with the shy girl that I will dub Net and going to see a movie. It doesn't sound like much, but it leads to something bigger.

Second is that I really want to start hanging out at a library or a cafe. Anything to get out of the house and be myself again.

And third is a membership to a gym.

At least I will soon get those shoes.

I am still worried about the financial aid thing. I have so many scenarios of how this could go down. When I freak out like this, I always have to remind myself that I am not the first person to do this and get out alive. In all honesty, I think they'll just make me pay some fine. I think besides these two withdraws, I have actually done pretty good. I have yet to fail and I would be damned if I fail a class.

It's just a few more weeks and I am done with the mess. ugh. I just need to breath

The Roommate

So, Candy and King decided to move in together. Apparently King's bf was too angry, and Candy and King did get along. Notice that i said "did" instead of "do". I came to their humble abode with the expectations that it would be a decently clean and maybe even roomy. Only to find that there were beer bottles covering the counters and both girl's rooms being a total mess. The girls have to share one already small bathroom and King has no choice but to take up the living room since she is paying the smaller part. Still, you wouldn't think that by looking at these two roommates. Until I realized Candy's ultimate pet peeve that King is guilty of; commentary.

What I mean by commentary is someone that jokes and talks during the movie. I am also guilty of it, but it's really just a couple of remarks spread out. King on the other hand makes it a Olympic sport. While trying to put an all-nighter on a naughty series with a lot of hot guys, King was very...loud. I don't really mind it, but that is Candy's thing.

After King went off to work, Candy confided in me that she is really annoying (meaning King). When I told her that a few flaws were bound to surface, she only made the remark that there were A LOT of flaws.

I guess it doesn't help that they work together and then live together. I wondered myself what kind of a roommate I'd be. I don't think I would be too bad, but who knows.

The Big Picture

Lately, Candy and I haven't been spending time. I would guess because I schedules are weird. I was really disturbed by that too even though I said on a previous blog that I didn't really care. The thing is I do care. A lot. That really really sucks.

Still, we have been in this pattern before, and we always go right back to the beginning.

But I have been thinking a lot about the people I hang around with. They are either too party going to too book smart, but they are not the people I always pictured myself being around. People, when I was young, I had a vision of me being single with my own place in the city of New York, with friends of great culture. This is going to sound harsh, but none of my friends are very cultured. So, I told my mom how hard it is for me to talk or relate to things with my friends. How i always felt like I'm too old for my own age group. She told me I was right. She also told me that there are two people: Ones that have a life at an early age and ones that have a life in a later age. this meaning being that I probably won't have my honest fun and friends until later like Candy is having hers now. It was harsh, scary, but very true.

So, I have to stop worrying about friends and concentrate on myself. I have to get my classes out of the way and get out in the real world, that way, I can finally face my life.

I just don't feel like I belong

I know for a fact that I am not the only person that feels this way. I can't possibly be. But the feeling has become more prominent these past two days. A weekend of not going out has really made me look at the big picture here. That is that no matter how much I stay out or how fun it is, I don't really fit with that group. Maybe Candy and I would always be friends, but not really. Like we could do without each other fine. I think we just rely on each other (myself especially) like a drug we can't live without. It really sucks because no matter how many people I meet in my city, I don't fit in. I really don't. They want to talk about each other and Jersey Shore, but I want to talk about books, society, politics, and to live in a place like Italy and France. Shit, not even the students at this damn community college get me. You think they would at least be a bit more into the things I am into. It seems that when I go on about the symbolism of Scarlet Letter without mentioning Easy A, they look at me like I am speaking in another language. My mom always tells me that I need people who like books and social sciences. I agree, but there very hard to find. I hate to say it, but I need to move out of this state. I really do. But how am I supposed to do that?

What is this fear she has?

I would call myself independent thinking, not fully independent. Like most of my generation, I live with my parents, trying to smile through community college, and praying to win some big money or even a car to my name. I do call myself independent thinking because I have this huge belief on relationship status. I believe that if the love bug has not bitten me, do not act on it. I do not believe that we should all live the Wonder Woman did (you know, in a world full of girls) just that love shouldn't be rush. Hell, because of this life decision, I can happily say I have never suffered from heartbreak, which is very rare in this day and age. I guess I see myself as Anne in the beginning of the Jane Austen novel, Persuasion. She gave up Captain Wentworth a bit easily and accepted that she was 27 and not married.

I do believe in love though. Just like any Western girl does. I believe that when I see this Mr. Right, he would scare me, thrill me, and win me over in the matter of two weeks (love at first sight is a bit rare). I would have not problem staying true to him, and i could honestly say that. But, I also believe that before I fall in love, I have to love myself, which is really a challenge. My body isn't like Twiggy, my nose an inch to big, my lips are small, and just a bit of stress is enough to make this big pimple appear at the most wrong of places. It's not just physical traits, its personality. I am shy, I say the worst things at the worst time, and I can easily gain stress and nerves. I have to learn to except all my flaws before I can accept another guys flaws.

Why am I bringing all of this up???Why this proud proclamation of single-hood?

Because of a friend I dub Maggie.

Maggie was a high school friend of mine before I moved. She was loud, a bit of a bitch, and fell too hard for a guy. Any guy really. She was obese, and her greatest asset was her double D boobs that did win many guys over. Remember that this was high school and not many girls could attain them without a knife. Boobs were pretty important to guys.

Still, she was a friend, though I almost cussed her out when she said that I would end up as a bum and live with my mom forever. Like I said, she was a bitch. Still I forgave a bit and when I moved back in the city, we went clubbing together. At this time, she moved out of her parents, into a rocky relationship, moved out to her parent, moved in again, got engaged, engagement off. There was cheating on both parties when we went out, she was living with this ex-fiancee and was seeing a college boy who would do anything more than lay down next to her. It would take chapters to fully explain these relationships.

After one night out in a club, this college boy texts her to break up because her ex texted him. She was pissed and it led us to go over to this ex's apartment and confront. Ugh, that apartment was a piece of crap. It smelled like tuna and cat litter.

Ever since that night, I haven't heard from her in a month and on facebook, I found that she was once again engaged to this ex.

I remember asking her why can't she just be single. She never gave me a straight answer. Just how certain guys made her feel. how they either make her feel beautiful or like shit.

This girl is younger than me. She shouldn't be worried about marriage or relationships. Maybe i wouldn't say anything if we were back in the Nifty Fifties and such rants were not approved by me, but this is the 2010's. It's okay to be single, get an education, and go to the club stag. Am I really the only person that sees this?

The Party Girl

We all know that one girl that has charm, sex appeal, and social impact. She is easily in good favor with new employees and could fetch herself a boyfriend in one night. I know this girl. My friends, even though I do go clubbing all I need is the beat of the music and the heat of the dance floor to keep me happy. I don't drink. When I do, it is only sips that never seem to taste as good as people say. Their bitter and leave the smell in your mouth like coffee (which I never care for).

My dear friend does drink. She drinks vodka, Jack, rum, beer, wine. Anything that you put in front of her. She is not happy unless a boy offers her a drink at the club.

That's not all that's been wrong. She makes these really important decisions and changes them at the drop of a hat. It's always the same skeleton. She dates a guy (preferably in military) and he starts putting all these plans: like they will room together when he comes back. He would have all this money and they would be able to live in a house of her dreams, get married, and have babies. Than, she thinks of running off with him. Not to elope, but to spend a week together before he goes off and then drops her off at a state she never really cared for. She starts feeling trapped and suddenly figures she will join the navy. Wait...but first she must decide if she REALLY wants to do it. When she manages to suck up all the money her parents have on a plane ticket, she suddenly comes to me on big plans. How we will room together and how it would be like a bachelorette pad (what ever happened to military boy?). Then she finds another military boy and another skeleton is created starting with them planning to run off together in two weeks.

People, I do not know what to do with this. It has been bugging me like hell. Should I stick with her or should I talk to her. Please give me something...anything.