A Semester Done...Now What?

A semester is done and the possibilities ahead of me seem scary but refreshing at the same time. Mostly because i am pretty damn proud of my 3.0 GPA. In high school, I was lucky enough for a 2.5. So this is a self-esteem booster.

It’s like this for me because I can officially go to a university. Well, if they’ll except me. And they better! But still, I always wanted to go to a university, even when I knew the odds were against me. Believe me, they were. In high school, I had such low self-esteem that I skipped classes and made a minimum effort of trying.

Okay, enough with the whole inspirational “Freedom Writers” bit.

As on year is coming to a end, another will begin and the older my ass will be. Lately I have been thinking of my singlehood and how there seemed to be no Mr. Books in the south. I guess it plagues me more because Candy is having a baby and I am going for university (soon?). I have come to this realization that no matter how great our friendship is, we belong in different paths.

So that’s what growing up is I guess. There is only one thing to do…I think.

Must be Another Mr. Books

The semester is technically over. Only exams this week and next. Then, it will be the last day to be in the class of Mr. Books. For those who aren't familiar, Mr. Books is the teacher I've been daydreaming about for a year. This is the last class I'll ever really have him in and it's very sad. Because he is in his fifties and I am in my twenties. He is my teacher and I am a student. He is married and I have a sick case of daddy issues (which is weird because I know my dad does love me in a appropriate way).

I am not delusional on the whole situation. So I keep my distance, while admiring his deep voice and intellect that I so much desire. Sometimes I wish I was to get the craving out of me. To just act upon the damn deed and move on with life.

Candy is the only person that knows about this sick dream. She deemed it being "intellectual stimulation" that was the problem. I very much agree.

When I meet a guy, I do find some attractive. If it has to be between "gangster" and "cowboy" I normally go for cowboy. However, conversation is shallow and flirting is fucking to most. I just don't have fun with guys my own age.

I know why too. My mom has always commented that I had an "old soul" and if I was in middle school I wouldn't believe her. However, I realized that I do prefer to talk to older men and women than my own age group. Ha, probably why I have a few close friends (as I always say, best to have a few good friends than a lot of bad ones). I never thought my "old soul" would be this much of a problem.

But as an old soul, I know that it's not right to want another woman's man. It really isn't. However, I pray to God I will find my own Mr. Books. Also pray he is at least my age if not in his 30's.

Maybe there are just no available Mr. Books where I'm at.

Might have to change that soon.

"Intellectually Stimulated"

So, I mentioned before I just naturally have a thing for teachers. Like this messed up fascination with them. It's not all teachers like females. But it's mostly handsome male men. Normally, it never was a problem. Elementary and Middle School, it was all okay. I didn't have those feeling. But probably because those men were not handsome.

What is it with all the handsome teachers being in high school or college? Is there some bone structure requirement they must pass to teach elementary? Come on, I'm sure the kindergarden teacher wouldn't mind a little eye-candy. I am jsut saying that i have never seen a Jason Segal or Justin Timberlake teach Social Studies.

I think you know where this is going. That teacher that I said I like in the last post. Not the English one, that one with the gray hair. Yep, got him again. Lord knows it was intended. I thought that maybe, it was some school girl phase and that i was all grown up now. Apparently not the case. he just makes these faces I like and I like how he says my name. Ok, stopping now. Blushing in public. Not cool.

I really like it when he "steps on toes" and really starts an uproar in class. I don't know, babbling again.

I showed Candy the picture before the semester started. She was, I guess, expecting Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt.She seemed very unimpressed with his gray hair and nerdy polo and said that he was old. I thought he looked good for his age. Whatever that was.

So, for once, Candy saw what madness I had. She said that I was "intellectually stimulated" which means I get turned on by brains. Well, that makes too much sense. I do drool at a good ass, so that's nice. But i have to admit, the girl is right. I always like a guy who knows his stuff. And i don't mean drugs or Ambercrombie and Fitch. A guy that has a passion to learn more and loves to share that. I.e. a teacher. :(

Still doesn't explain why I never see ugly first grade teachers.

The Summer Reflection

I know that it's a bit early for this. I believe school ends for me three weeks fromnow, but I am going to reflect anyways.

I learned that not everyone is a two dimensional character. like King. She introduces herself as this nice girl, but she is really fake. Not just to Candy, but to me. I hate how she always tries to be more real than me Just because I don't do E, doesn't mean I'm not real. Then, there is Net. She is a sweet girl, but I think being close to her mom for so long screwed her up somehow. I normally come off as shy, but Net makes me look like a party girl. That is sad.

I have also noticed that I am not as hesitant to take a chance on clothes or trends, which is always a plus for a shopaholic like me. But, I am also more relaxed with other people which is another bonus.

I also learned to really think about my classes. Think REALLY hard.

Really can't wait for fall classes, especially since I have a crush on one of the instructors. I guess I'll call him Mr.H? Yeah, that'll do.

Sooooooo Lucky

I say that I am sooooooo lucky because I got a message from my school. I just dropped class and was wondering if the jig was up. I was fearing that they would ask me to pay back some of the semester and lower my future award quantities.

My friends, what happened was the polar opposite. Instead of asking me to pay, they offer me more money. So there I was with two grants under my belt and all the glorious bliss in the world.

I know I seem to come off as a person who uses this federal money for her own pleasures. That I don't even bother trying hard in school and still manage to get what I want. The thing is, that's really not the whole story, it's not even the true story. I have worked hard in my classes, despite all the bitching I did do, I followed through. I never gave up like my friends or my parents. So wouldn't that be enough. I don't even know why I bother caring what you guys think. Hell, I guess I'm just human.

Bottom line, I am once again relieved.

I Want To Marry The Night

Okay, this whole staying at home shit is getting WAY too old. Candy asked me once if I wanted to stay with her for a couple of days. I said no. Not because I wanted to, because I had to. This whole summer school thing is draining. If I were to go anywhere, it would have to be somewhere where there is internet.

I actually miss those idiotic nights where people got drunk and stupid. I never thought I needed a shot of whiskey so bad! But I do. I need three shots just to get my head out of this fog.

Great, now I sound like a alcoholic. Forgive me!

I keep telling myself, just this one summer. But, it pains me that with every chance I get, I fill it with classes. These classes aren't even that fun. Remind me next time to just go for a classroom setting. Not a bed room setting.

So, yeah, not much to really say. I am close to one final and then close to dropping a class. Ugh, don't really like that sound. But it needs to be done.

Happy 4th of July. Please take a shot for me.

Why I Just Get More Pale and Less Tanned

I had a vision for this summer. The vision: Days at the beach, nights with vodka, passing both classes with a click of a mouse, and a set of new shoes. Like pumps or maybe a nice sling back. Instead, I got: family drama, failing one class, and going crazy by staying inside for days. Worst thing is I have yet to go to the gym and now I gained about three pounds and lost the tone in my legs. I used to be so proud that I had better legs than King and Bunny and now their like jell-o.

Summer is normally like this for me though. But I really need to get out of the slump soon. First step is going to get a burger with the shy girl that I will dub Net and going to see a movie. It doesn't sound like much, but it leads to something bigger.

Second is that I really want to start hanging out at a library or a cafe. Anything to get out of the house and be myself again.

And third is a membership to a gym.

At least I will soon get those shoes.

I am still worried about the financial aid thing. I have so many scenarios of how this could go down. When I freak out like this, I always have to remind myself that I am not the first person to do this and get out alive. In all honesty, I think they'll just make me pay some fine. I think besides these two withdraws, I have actually done pretty good. I have yet to fail and I would be damned if I fail a class.

It's just a few more weeks and I am done with the mess. ugh. I just need to breath

Where I'll Stop Nobody Knows

First off I would like to say that people have actually been viewing this blog. Not a bother, but it's nice to know I am being viewed. Since I didn't tell any of my friends (except from a website) about this blog, I am happy to know a complete stranger is watching. And that sounded creepy. Is it my charm that is so appealing?

Okay, enough about me.

So, right now, American is really going through crazy shit because of our debt. I'm not a political brain, but I do know that we might end up borrowing money from other countries. Some people (Republicans?) think that doing so would show weakness. Which I could see why. Politics must have been invented by man because it's always about making countries seem tough. The affect it will have on my generation is not so good. There is the fact that Planned Parenthood might be doing less planning, Financial Aid would could cut in half, and tuition just went up eight dollars.

I heard on CNN earlier today that the Republicans do not want to give fair taxes to the rich. My British fantasy would say "Why the bloody hell not???" I agree.

Like I said before, America is full of celebrities, ones that really don't do anything. Rich celebrities. Imagine just giving a fair amount to all those no good celebrities, how this would suck less. Lord knows the decrease we would get if Oprah did them. I don't know if they do, like I said, I am not a politics brain. I just found the topic that the rich get richer while the poor get poorer very interesting.

So if there is anyone 18-25 please vote for whatever election. It's obvious that our generation is also suffering from this. Mid-class home owners are not alone on this. Also, don't spend money on the latest iPhone or Xbox or something like that. We are obviously going to need the money seeing as how this country is really going to the dogs.

So because of my debt scare and my feeling lonely, I keep thinking one thing. That was Get the hell out of the U.S.. I know that other places have it worse, but I will get to that.

I am very broke though. At this point I couldn't afford to buy luggage for a grand trip to Europe. I need to go somewhere rich with culture and not run by media. I am actually having a love/hate relationship with facebook. I am tired of mass media, even tired of Lady Gaga. Yes, it's getting THAT bad.

So I want to volunteer for a few months.

You read correctly. I want to volunteer in a poverty stricken country. I think I need to be away from family and friends for a little while to really find at least a piece of myself. Maybe even to be more appreciative of my own country.

I didn't know that even volunteer for a few months in a country, you also need to pay. Which is not really cool. But, if I do get the job, and I save enough, maybe I'll go.

My sub header mention fulfillment, but I haven't really been filling lately. So, this summer I am going to work on that.

All that Glitters is Fame

You will be very interested to know dear readers that I did NOT go out two nights in a row which is great progress. I am still sleepy, but not dead-to-the-world sleepy. Like I-could-make-it-sleepy. It's good to because this week is very important with one last test to change my grade point average and an essay due, I have to be on my A game.

I guess the reason for my lack of going out is the fact that I have been too busy looking for a job. It's more pressuring to do it in such a crappy economy. Why am I doing this? Because I believe I was Marie Antoinette in a past life-meaning I am a shopoholic. No, I am not joking. So far, I have gotten better. I don't rely on ebay as much, but anytime I go to a mall or shopping center it gets hard to resist. So, to feed this habit, I must get a job because Financial Aid can only do so much. I already spent a lot and that's just with things for class. I didn't even splurge this year.

I should get a call sometime this week. I applied at a clothing store and the girls that I know I was up against was two girls. One used to work at Dilliards, but has a huge job gap. The other is a mother of...I guess three. I feel really bad for the latter because who really wants to steal a job from a single mother who is trying to fight the recession? As sickened as I was by my interview, I still put on my shit-eating grin and talked in my tourist guide voice (maybe a should apply for that).

So, with my new time on hand, I was looking on E a lot, and what do you know, they are talking about the Kardashians.

I think reality TV is a huge waist of money. Sure, I am addicted to Bad Girls Club, but I know those girls don't come back unless their real good at being...bad? It's shows that involve the Kardashians, Kendra (girl that's married to that athlete), teen moms, and Jersey Shore that seriously piss me off. I say, shows on teen pregnancy just encourage it no matter how many safe sex campaigns MTV puts on. Kardashians and Kendra are nothing spectacular. Yeah, I know the Kardashians have their own store, but there might as well be a store for ALL shop owners. They say stupid things and everything is about drama. The only thing interesting about Kendra was that she was Hugh Heff's girlfriend. And Jersey Shore is...you get, stupid.

It really pisses me off that those people live so well without having to lift a finger while the rest of us are looking for employment and most that really deserve it won't get picked because they have a family to raise. U. S. ...what the hell?

The Mid Term Sickness

So, it's mid term which means that everyone has up to here (well, I guess you can't see it, but its very high) with the semester. I am a reading review away to call it quits and just backpack to Europe. Why not? It's good exercise and I get culture out of it. But, I wont because that would really just be a huge waste of money...even if I am not paying for it.

I have been very sleepy, so studying for *** is the last thing on my mind right now. Even if the educator is a stud muffin, I still couldn't concentrate in class. My mom says I should start taking vitamins or something, but its really hard to do that when my grade is at stake...okay and I have been going out again.

I can't wait for summer. The time for road trips, family, and friends. I can't wait for all of that. Also for the late nights and 12 hour sleep. Yes!

Ivy and Loli

So, remember that essay I was going to half ass but still ended up devoting my time to? Well, I got the grade.

Let me first say to why I'm soooo nervouse about it besides the fact that its the only thing standig between me and the aid money. My professor, is a hot foreign hard ass. There, I said. He is an Englishman, which is weird for me because I haven't met a foreign man from across waters before. Okay, there was that ONE (two?) coworker, but I mean man that is older than me. I felt intimidated and he is one of those guys that seems very one-sided and grades like we are in the military. So far, he hasn't shown much mercy to me on my tests. I was sooo worried about my essay and would be so depressed if he gave me a C or D.

I got better, a B. A high B like two point from an A. He said my essay wasn't long enough and that I didn't make a strong point, but screw that! There is still hope to pass that hard class!

Worst part to this story though is that now I am very attracted to him. Like I am actually joking with him in class. course, he is being a gentleman (married) and not doing anything back, just joking. Don't scowl at me! Let me say that I am not going to be like Ivy from Poison Ivy (Drew Barrymore, good reason to check it out).

It's really fucked up how I get hot for a teacher. I at first thought it was the whole Lolita (check out!) fantasy I have, but I am technically not a school girl. I am a lady in college. So, I have concluded that I am sick in the head. I have had this kind of crush before. The first one was a hot, tattooed teacher (sleeve that he was able to cover), who never gave up on me and single! Second was last semester, and he was so passionate about his field. He would give great lectures, married, head a full head of gray hair, was probably in his late forties, and dressed like a dork! Yes, I am sick. Now, its the Englishman that's a smart ass that is married.

Sick! Sick! Sick!

Don't worry though. I am not going to rape these men. I maybe sick, but I have morals. It's just a school lady crush.

Mr. Facebook

I am used to girls taking pictures of themselves all the time on my facebook. I get it, their photogenic. Pet peeve is that they alter the photos and do something weird like put little hearts or get a friend (who looks a bit more plain by comparison) and put neon pink "Besties For Life" or something like that at the bottom. Still, that's what girls do. We take pictures like hell and only show the good ones to the public. I don't really do that though because I only like specific angles and very picky with posing.

Okay, now let me get to what this blog is really about. There was this guy in my *** class that was kind of cute and really friendly. At first, I thought he was gay because he talked about Katy Perry without mentioning she had nice boobs and said something about knowing how to do facials (which, now that I think of it, I hope he didn't mean any sexual innuendos by that). So, I flirted a little bit,, and even added him on my facebook. But, as the semester went on, I found him to be too tiring. He is very politically spoken, but he says he didn't care about politics. He is always trying to make friends with the instructor during class, but then goes on to say shit about him after class. He thrives on attention too. The thing that is not appealing is that he is younger than me (not by much but still) and I could tell he has a LOT of growing to do. I like mature guys that are funny, but not at the sake of someone's humiliation.

The most unappealing thing about him is he takes photos like a girl. Sure, all the other guys on my facebook update their pics, but spontaneously between few weeks to months! This guy does it a few times EVERY WEEK. And course its the usual black shirt, with cap, looking in mirror, flexing muscles. He doesn't even look like that in real life. He is taken now (or "it's complicated") and I find myself not minding it so much like I thought I would. It does make me worry, how many guys are like this in the country-world? How many guys will I add onto my facebook that take pictures daily and put in lyrics by drake every day? The idea that there is more like him out there is VERY scary. I really feel sorry for the next generation when the guys will decorate their pics with stars.

Releaved anf Fucking Tired

So...this has been one hell of a week. I successfully finished my essay this morning and studied the supposed essay questions last night. The day started out like shit though because I woke up forty minutes late and only had ten minutes to even be fit to get out the door. Basically, I put my make up on in the car and straightened my hair in the girls restroom like a homeless person. Please don't take offense, I saw that in a documentary with the whole bathroom bit. The test was actually easy this time, I guess because it had a lot to do with something I was interested in and I actually did good in the essay questions. Probably because...actually I don't know why. I gave it the same amount of studying like the last test I failed. But this time it really just clicked for me. I hope I don't get a bad grade on the test. Also hope I don't get a bad grade on the essay. I actually tried this time. I took the majority of the books on the topic and looked at the websites like crazy. I have confirmed that MLA SUX.

So right now, I'm just chillin'. I have another test for an equally hard class to study for and then another essay is coming up. I'm probably just going to recycle material.

I've been thinking a lot about being a student. How Pres. Obama always stresses the importance of the education system, but tuition is goin up pretty high. Sometimes, I really just want to put up my hands and go on with life. Hell, would my major even be worthy of the real world? I guess so. But the salary might go down. I have been trying to think about life after being a student. How it would feel, and if the stress is the same. I actually find money to be one hell of a motivator. I guess I have been thinking about this is because I have done the math and found that (if done right) fall semester would be my last at community college. I could be in a university. Its means a lot to me because, I always struggled with school. No matter how hard I tried, I always got okay. Not great or spectacular. Only with English, which isn't even valued so much. People say I'm smart, but I never see it on tests or essays. I hope I'm ready for the next step.

Cheaters never learn but could still get credit

So, my semester so far has gotten shitty. Even though I felt that i was paying enough attention, still some stupid details get leaked out by test time which is not a great time to forget things. You know how we have book smart and street smart? We have sub categories and I am not science smart or government smart. Why government? I don't know. People say its like history, but I deeply concur. History is interesting and a lot like story time. Government is more organized and picky. There are too many damn loopholes that it hurts my brain to find them. Science-well I was never good at that.

It sucks to suck at science too since I am hoping to be in psychology.

Okay, so bottom line is that I failed my last two tests and I was just so stressed and knew I would fail the next one...unless I did cheat.

Now, don't give me that look! I do feel horrible, but I couldn't help it! The answers were in view and I was in the back, so cheating I would go! To be honest, I only cheated on half, the rest I was sadly on my own. If it does help though, I will not say which subject it was or how i did it. I will say that I was surprised I didn't get caught.

Does this mean I approve of cheating. No. It just meant that I was desperate and unprepared. I would be disgusted if someone was cheating next to me. So right now I little guilty.

I would really feel guilty if my instructor wasn't such a bitch.

You got the whole world looking at your blog

I mentioned the movie Julie and Julia before. Wasn't that such an awesome movie? Really, an inspiration to all of us bloggers. But if you haven't seen the movie, but love spoilers, I will reveal a part. There is this one part where Julie Powell decides not to go to work but is fully aware that her co-workers and boss read it. So she put up an excuse on her blog as a way of an alibi. Course, when she goes back to work, her boss calls her in and questions her about the blog entry. He tells her that he better not see himself in the blog.

Hell, even when Powell put up a fony story, she still got caught. So it's a first rule for those who work not to post a blog during work or when skipping work. It pretty much works out to especially not brag about blogging during work.

Which is exactly what teacher, Natalie Munroe did.

I can't really give you quotes. The story is a bit old so there is really no need for it. What did happen though was Munroe had a blog on this blogging site. She admits in some parts in her blog that she was really supposed to be working. But, it gets worse. Apparently Munroe did something even more stupid and decided to go on a frustrated rant about how the high school students were lazy, unmotivated, and spoiled. Basically brats. I understand that she was frustrated because apparently this lady is going on 9 months pregnant.

I could only imagine what happened. I guess that one school morning Munroe got after her Central Bucks HS kids a little more than usual ( I would imagine due to the hormones). These kids decided they were more pissed than usual and went to her blog. I would imagine they were doing more digging just in case they got something juicier, but only came up with Munroe's frustrated rants. All one had to do was show Mommy and Daddy and presto! The school puts a prego teacher in suspension.

Now, I a a little divided between the sides. Let me start with Munroe.

Basically, she did have every right to state her opinion. In her new blog entry, she did say that she didn't reveal her whole name or workplace. Just that she was a teacher and her students were real bastards (my word, not hers). So, she didn't really do anything wrong. She didn't taint the school name. If I got in trouble by expressing my feelings I would be pissed! Our nation was for the freedom of speech among other reasons.

Now against would be this. It was stupid for Munroe to even put her workplace on the blog. Obviously you can get in trouble. I mean putting it in a negative light. Also, she obviously didn't do a good job in covering her tracks. If she did put her pen name as Natalie M., how were those lazy kids smart enough to dig up all those blogs. I believe she did tell someone (teacher or student) and they told others. Bravo Munroe! The worst place to say a little personal detail is at a school no matter the age group.

But I don't want to change majors

Why is it that people are just more interesting after a few drinks of alcohol? Now The Guy keeps calling me, and instead of swooning back and feeling flirty, A big slap of annoyance is what its me. Oh well, if I ignore him long enough, he'll stop.

Besides minor drama, school is school and once again I am hit with this big thing of future curiosity. My major is currently sociology. I love how society works. I love looking through old ads and thinking about the mens' view on things like children or women. I also love the different characteristics of religions. How one part of Christianity seems louder than the last. Society just blows me away.

So why do I have this urge to want to teach? I love other subjects too like history and English. If I do want to be a teacher, it would be for middle school or high school. Around the time where I was a troubled kid.

Readers, I guess it is obvious that sociology would be harder to make as a career. Hell, everyone needs to be taught. Right now though, I feel like my heart is split in two.

Why can't I just fall in love like any other sane girl?