A Semester Done...Now What?

A semester is done and the possibilities ahead of me seem scary but refreshing at the same time. Mostly because i am pretty damn proud of my 3.0 GPA. In high school, I was lucky enough for a 2.5. So this is a self-esteem booster.

It’s like this for me because I can officially go to a university. Well, if they’ll except me. And they better! But still, I always wanted to go to a university, even when I knew the odds were against me. Believe me, they were. In high school, I had such low self-esteem that I skipped classes and made a minimum effort of trying.

Okay, enough with the whole inspirational “Freedom Writers” bit.

As on year is coming to a end, another will begin and the older my ass will be. Lately I have been thinking of my singlehood and how there seemed to be no Mr. Books in the south. I guess it plagues me more because Candy is having a baby and I am going for university (soon?). I have come to this realization that no matter how great our friendship is, we belong in different paths.

So that’s what growing up is I guess. There is only one thing to do…I think.

Tumble on

Okay, so I have gotten a tumblr account. What is a tumblr...still kind of figuring that out. The best way I can describe it is that it's like a social network blog. You can customize it and if you see a cool picture someone else has, you can "reblog" it to your own post.

I am really excited to start the new blog, but I am not letting this one go. Really because I have said way too much on this blog. It's my first born! So I will keep this one and have both blogs running the same posts. Since people don't really know what I'm about, you might find that I will recycle posts. Okay, maybe that's just another way of saying I'm lazy. If you want to check out my tumblr simply click on the link: http://wordsfromtheghost.tumblr.com/ .

Just a little change

I love the movie "Breakfast At Tiffany's". Any girl would. Not because of the fashion or the stud muffin Paul. Really just because in some sense, we have all been there. We all tried our easy way out, use charm to mask distress, or ran away from someone that actually did care about us. I always felt that that was really what the movie was all about. Then I noticed just a little something from the movie that did show up in my current events.

I have described Candy as a girl who loves the parties and always has some conflict with men. She is the girl that doesn't know too much about literature or stories like I do. Not because she is stupid, she is actually very smart despite her other friends, but she doesn't care for reading, or watching things that weren't on a screen. The only thing she will watch on stage is a sweaty country artist with toned arms.

But I really wanted to watch a play. We will say RENT. I don't remember how exactly I did it, but I managed to get Candy to go with me. As the play went on though, I really got nervous of what she thought. She didn't care for musicals, only Moulin Rouge. But in the end, Candy enjoyed it. It helped that the second leading man was attractive and a good singer. She now wants to see another musical.

I'm not saying she is going to start going to get tickets for Hairspray or Fiddler on the Roof. I'm just saying she changed in a very small way.

I started thinking in ways she changed me. I am still shy in my own way. But when I talk, I talk. I'm not as scared of people and that's really because of Candy. She would be the first to say. And she still continues to do so.

Our styles, if anything are a big indignation of how we grew. I don't wear shirts from Hot Topic anymore, in fact, even going near the store makes me feel a bit out of their market audience. Have you seen the kids that lurk there? Candy on the other hand used to love bright colors and bling. She was actually very girly. Even though she struggles to get her HS self back for the sake of Micro, she really just goes for tight jeans and tank tops. She dresses more for comfort and style basics rather than a actual label.

These things aren't bad either. We are supposed to change. If we didn't you'd see lawyers wearing overalls and nurses carrying teddy bear back packs. Everyone would still be watching Rugrats rather than the news. The Oscars would just be more like the Teen Choice Awards.

Why the hell does this involve Breakfast at Tiffany's? There is a part in there where Paul and Holly go a day living life the way the other would. Paul saw Holly's sanctuary (Tiffany's and Co.) and Holly saw Paul's (the library). And days later Paul found Holly at the library reading. She changed only a little, but she was still Holly.

So if you find yourself doing less of what you did three years ago, don't look it as a way of giving in to something. Just as a way of growing up.

Am I in Neverland?

I was on just seconds ago, and I saw one of my friends I was very close with on facebook.. She looked, totally different. Less punk and more pop. That's really not a bad thing because God knows I am also down that route. But still, I keep seeing pictures of who i suspect is her little boy. Not because she has a big caption that says MY SON, but more because she doesn't deny that's it's hers. I just feel that she went prego on me even though we kind of swore to each other we wouldn't. I know, it's stupid to make such a promise, but at eighteen, it was not. Still isn't to me. She doesn't have much on her in her info, so I don't know what her relationship status is. Then I have come to realize that the majority of my facebook friends have kids or are engaged. Lord knows my best friend, Candy has been on a fast track with this guy I shall call Micro.

I am really starting to wonder if everyone else is going too fast or have I just been stuck in Neverland. Never moving forward with relationships. I keep thinking of all my failed conquests all because either my standards were too high or because I just saw right through them. I guess you could say that I know when a guy is being fake, and normally the ones that pursue me are just that.

I really am not sure when single hood became this big mystery to me. I don't even remember when it started coming out as a bad thing. I always thought being single was cool, but then you see your friends in such a hurry to get married or pregnant, it really gets me to thinking that maybe I got the formula wrong.

I don't really know...for once.

Whose Fault is it Anyways?

Okay, so ultimate family drama in the family business. My mom and uncle both run the show. So, I am not going through the whole bit because that not what this post is about. Bottom line: Business is failing. Mom: Blamed because she borrows the money. Uncle: Blamed because he spends the money.

So the past 24 hours. The family has been in a uproar on whose fault it is. I actually just feel like a bad witness to all of this. I really want to be with my mom 100%. I really do. But she is threatening to quit altogether, and I know that is just a bad idea. Really bad. Because she has kids and so many other obligations, she can't afford to quit. It just can't be done. So I am very much worried for her. Not only that, but she is threatening to cut off as many ties to my uncle as possible. This is bad because, what would this look like to the younger generation when all family traditions are shut down?

My uncle is a piece of work. He is a very pugnacious man. Say one raw thing to him, and shit hits the fan. He is also guilty for screwing up the company. Even though my mom got a loan from the company (further proof she can't afford to quit). My uncle raped the company. he put what was supposed to be one thing, into this Frankenstein octopus this with crooked tentacles. Example that if one starts a business, it should remain singular, not plural unless you can afford it. Not only that, but he also spends the company money on other extravagances "for the employees" a.k.a, his labor buddies that he buys food for.

Really sad that I have no real risk in the business, but feel gray hairs poking out. I am mostly mad at my uncle for being such a dick, but I am irritated with my mom. I understand where she's coming from and maybe if she had a different life I would support her. But I am not happy she is risking my own siblings well being.

Why is that family members are stubborn? Why is it that our pride chokes the truth right out of us. When I notice I am being a dick, I try to fess up to it before it gets used for ammo. I guess it's a bittersweet gift. But the more I thought on this topic, the more i see in my family how everyone has to always be right. Just for the smallest little pellet too.

Big example is when I could only buy a swimsuit from a certain place because my mom failed to tell me we were going to the water park. After thinking about it, I decided that I would rather be in a crappy bathing suit rather than baking in the sun. I told my mom to go ahead and go to the store. She goes on to say, "Oh, I thought you said you didn't want to go to the store". You know, in this know-it-all tone. I said I changed my mind. She then says, "Well, I told you to just get a swimsuit and you said you didn't want one." Was there really a point in saying that?

I am really tired of all this family drama and I PRAY that it will all work out. Let me tell you, it isn't the first row, but it is a shitty one.

The Second Summer Reflection

So, my summer has officially ended. I just have a week off before I go back for fall. I discovered that I can now apply for a university I was really interested in. Even if i can't afford, it would be nice to be accepted. I am excited to start a new chapter. I am excited to get out of prison. I know how I have it good, but sometimes, those things come with a price...like your dignity.

As much as I love my family, I know I can't take another year living with them. I need that self discovery, and I wouldn't mind another college being a excuse.

My second summer reflection is that people are selfish. I guess if you're a saint, no, but other than that, we are all pretty damn selfish. Sometimes fun does come before loved ones. I have been guilty of it myself, but kicking someone while their down isn't that fun.

I am sick of the life I'm living. So I promise that by next summer, I will not be in this spot.

Who Runs the Ghost Show anyways???

I spent a bit out of town. Actually, this is the first summer that I have been out of town randomly. The subject that came up among my parents was, what will happen in 2012. I told you before, that I planned on doing my basics here (almost done!) and then just transfer. But now there is the question on where to transfer to. One wants me to move out of town and the other wants me to stay where I am. Out of town seems to be the winning bid, but now I have this feeling of being rushed. How sad.

I keep telling myself, that it's because I don't like change. I wish for it constantly, but when the opportunity comes I find myself hesitate. I am tired of being like that though. I have to stop being in the safe zone and break through the barrier.

Though, I have realized recently that I just about kept my promise to myself. I am living. I just need to live more.

Sooooooo Lucky

I say that I am sooooooo lucky because I got a message from my school. I just dropped class and was wondering if the jig was up. I was fearing that they would ask me to pay back some of the semester and lower my future award quantities.

My friends, what happened was the polar opposite. Instead of asking me to pay, they offer me more money. So there I was with two grants under my belt and all the glorious bliss in the world.

I know I seem to come off as a person who uses this federal money for her own pleasures. That I don't even bother trying hard in school and still manage to get what I want. The thing is, that's really not the whole story, it's not even the true story. I have worked hard in my classes, despite all the bitching I did do, I followed through. I never gave up like my friends or my parents. So wouldn't that be enough. I don't even know why I bother caring what you guys think. Hell, I guess I'm just human.

Bottom line, I am once again relieved.

Lifestyle

I have been thinking a lot about how my friends and family have their lives set up and I have mine. If someone were to tell me I have it easy, I wouldn't deny it. I pay no rent, my family is supportive, and my only struggle is school. I look at my married friends, the used friends, and some unfortunate family members and I remember the many thoughts I had about them: they should have known better.

For some reason though, I finally realized that it works for them. It just makes them more interesting. They were able to love and sacrifice while I managed to be cynical and observant. In other words, I knew too much for my own good. Although, sometimes on this blog I ache for a lost love. I am not really suffering because I never sacrificed for him. I was never willing to.

I remember feeling that way in high school too. If I only knew to look around at people who really have it bad, I might appreciate what I got.

I say that I want to be free, but seeing as how I am so sheltered, would I be ready to be off at some university? Or, is it more of a question of whether or not I will jump.

so I have come to accept people either have it better than me (yes, I've met them) or worse. I shouldn't be so ready to judge them by their choices of life. I should be more concerned about my own. Well, thank God I can admit my own faults.

I Want To Go Off Road

So, I can't wait till the year, and I really can't wait till I get into a university. But, I notice that people keep guiding me to a certain direction. My mom wants this. My dad wants that. I really want to know what I think.

In a sense, my life has always been sheltered. Not because I like it that way, mostly because my family is too damn caring. Not so much as a bad thing, but still. Don't get me wrong though. Right after high school, I made the decision to work rather than go to school, and I even went to places by myself. Ugh, I still sound like a little kid.

But bad things happen that shake up the family, and now I feel like I just keep getting transferred from one prison cell to another.

I won't give up hope though. I just have to try harder.

Still, when I am with Candy and King, and we just say stupid shit and do stupid things, I really like that. Like I am supposed to not care about time. But, I feel like it's just a short-lived illusion.

I haven't really been going out. I just feel like I've seen it all. There is nowhere new. People always have the same drama. The circle just gets smaller.

I will get out of jail soon.

My Ideal Mr. Right

1. He has never met any of my family or friends.

2. He loves music and is open to all types of genres

3. I get that men ALWAYS think about sex, but it would be nice if he understands my decision and supports.

4. Does not dress gangster, country, or prep (you know, those shirts with just the brands on them).

5. Is a Christian (preferably Catholic) man.

6. Is over twenty-five or does not have to party to be happy.

7. Is tall and healthy.

8. Loves me.

9. Knows what he wants in life or has a career.

The sucky part is I had a guy that had most of these qualities, and I just let him go. My stupid eighteen years old self! I thought about him this morning and I can't get his words out of my head. These days, I could kill for a man with at least four of these qualities. Now I wonder if I really want a glamorous lifestyle or a man. Preferably my ex. Ugh.

The Metamorphosis

Lately, I have felt in sync with Lady Gaga (yes I am a monster). Really because I feel I have also been going through this metamorphosis of my own. Only, I am not wearing meat to prove it. Bottom line is, I have changes in my life that i will not mention really because I believe it would interfere with my identity.

Let me tell you, instead, the effect it has on my views. I feel a bit more at ease with the ways things are going for me. Not this fall, but next fall I will further my education in a university. I might be moving to my favorite city, and for some reason this feeling of luck is in the air. Candy and I haven't really been speaking. Not because we don't want to, merely because I am doing summer school and she is working. Trying to figure out her own problems.

I look back at my high school days and tried to remember how I saw life, fashion, music, and boys. Now I realize I am not really attracted to pretty boys, but men of depth. I realize I cannot deny I love pop. I love fashion to the true rapture, and I can be extremely melo-dramatic.

Because, I am at this part of my metamorphosis, I realize that I want to move on. Leave my home, my family, and Candy. Go where I d0n't have a name. Where I can finally introduce myself. It will happen mon ami's. And it's coming by fast.

The Big Picture

Lately, Candy and I haven't been spending time. I would guess because I schedules are weird. I was really disturbed by that too even though I said on a previous blog that I didn't really care. The thing is I do care. A lot. That really really sucks.

Still, we have been in this pattern before, and we always go right back to the beginning.

But I have been thinking a lot about the people I hang around with. They are either too party going to too book smart, but they are not the people I always pictured myself being around. People, when I was young, I had a vision of me being single with my own place in the city of New York, with friends of great culture. This is going to sound harsh, but none of my friends are very cultured. So, I told my mom how hard it is for me to talk or relate to things with my friends. How i always felt like I'm too old for my own age group. She told me I was right. She also told me that there are two people: Ones that have a life at an early age and ones that have a life in a later age. this meaning being that I probably won't have my honest fun and friends until later like Candy is having hers now. It was harsh, scary, but very true.

So, I have to stop worrying about friends and concentrate on myself. I have to get my classes out of the way and get out in the real world, that way, I can finally face my life.