Ivy and Loli

So, remember that essay I was going to half ass but still ended up devoting my time to? Well, I got the grade.

Let me first say to why I'm soooo nervouse about it besides the fact that its the only thing standig between me and the aid money. My professor, is a hot foreign hard ass. There, I said. He is an Englishman, which is weird for me because I haven't met a foreign man from across waters before. Okay, there was that ONE (two?) coworker, but I mean man that is older than me. I felt intimidated and he is one of those guys that seems very one-sided and grades like we are in the military. So far, he hasn't shown much mercy to me on my tests. I was sooo worried about my essay and would be so depressed if he gave me a C or D.

I got better, a B. A high B like two point from an A. He said my essay wasn't long enough and that I didn't make a strong point, but screw that! There is still hope to pass that hard class!

Worst part to this story though is that now I am very attracted to him. Like I am actually joking with him in class. course, he is being a gentleman (married) and not doing anything back, just joking. Don't scowl at me! Let me say that I am not going to be like Ivy from Poison Ivy (Drew Barrymore, good reason to check it out).

It's really fucked up how I get hot for a teacher. I at first thought it was the whole Lolita (check out!) fantasy I have, but I am technically not a school girl. I am a lady in college. So, I have concluded that I am sick in the head. I have had this kind of crush before. The first one was a hot, tattooed teacher (sleeve that he was able to cover), who never gave up on me and single! Second was last semester, and he was so passionate about his field. He would give great lectures, married, head a full head of gray hair, was probably in his late forties, and dressed like a dork! Yes, I am sick. Now, its the Englishman that's a smart ass that is married.

Sick! Sick! Sick!

Don't worry though. I am not going to rape these men. I maybe sick, but I have morals. It's just a school lady crush.

Mr. Facebook

I am used to girls taking pictures of themselves all the time on my facebook. I get it, their photogenic. Pet peeve is that they alter the photos and do something weird like put little hearts or get a friend (who looks a bit more plain by comparison) and put neon pink "Besties For Life" or something like that at the bottom. Still, that's what girls do. We take pictures like hell and only show the good ones to the public. I don't really do that though because I only like specific angles and very picky with posing.

Okay, now let me get to what this blog is really about. There was this guy in my *** class that was kind of cute and really friendly. At first, I thought he was gay because he talked about Katy Perry without mentioning she had nice boobs and said something about knowing how to do facials (which, now that I think of it, I hope he didn't mean any sexual innuendos by that). So, I flirted a little bit,, and even added him on my facebook. But, as the semester went on, I found him to be too tiring. He is very politically spoken, but he says he didn't care about politics. He is always trying to make friends with the instructor during class, but then goes on to say shit about him after class. He thrives on attention too. The thing that is not appealing is that he is younger than me (not by much but still) and I could tell he has a LOT of growing to do. I like mature guys that are funny, but not at the sake of someone's humiliation.

The most unappealing thing about him is he takes photos like a girl. Sure, all the other guys on my facebook update their pics, but spontaneously between few weeks to months! This guy does it a few times EVERY WEEK. And course its the usual black shirt, with cap, looking in mirror, flexing muscles. He doesn't even look like that in real life. He is taken now (or "it's complicated") and I find myself not minding it so much like I thought I would. It does make me worry, how many guys are like this in the country-world? How many guys will I add onto my facebook that take pictures daily and put in lyrics by drake every day? The idea that there is more like him out there is VERY scary. I really feel sorry for the next generation when the guys will decorate their pics with stars.

The Middle

I had to drop a class. Since I'm on Financial Aid, I have to keep my GPA up and that class was pretty much screwing me over. I feel bad though because I didn't really want to do it. I still wish I could take it back. I can't though. Damn I still feel terrible. After that professor tried to work with me! Well, thats life.

I have about a 63 in my other class, but if I did good on the essay and do great on the next two tests, I still have a chance. I just have to study twice as hard. So, I guess I'm praying to God to help me out.

So, right when I thought, fuck it, I heard a song that got my spirits up and that was Jimmy Eat World "The Middle". It started out just right.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright)

The best timing ever! So, I still have hope to get through this semester unscathed. Even the the situation in the song doesn't really describe my situation, its still a Brava!

Now that I think about it, is there a song about failing school? There should be. A lot of people need it.

The good news is that I have two text books I can't wait to sell.

Releaved anf Fucking Tired

So...this has been one hell of a week. I successfully finished my essay this morning and studied the supposed essay questions last night. The day started out like shit though because I woke up forty minutes late and only had ten minutes to even be fit to get out the door. Basically, I put my make up on in the car and straightened my hair in the girls restroom like a homeless person. Please don't take offense, I saw that in a documentary with the whole bathroom bit. The test was actually easy this time, I guess because it had a lot to do with something I was interested in and I actually did good in the essay questions. Probably because...actually I don't know why. I gave it the same amount of studying like the last test I failed. But this time it really just clicked for me. I hope I don't get a bad grade on the test. Also hope I don't get a bad grade on the essay. I actually tried this time. I took the majority of the books on the topic and looked at the websites like crazy. I have confirmed that MLA SUX.

So right now, I'm just chillin'. I have another test for an equally hard class to study for and then another essay is coming up. I'm probably just going to recycle material.

I've been thinking a lot about being a student. How Pres. Obama always stresses the importance of the education system, but tuition is goin up pretty high. Sometimes, I really just want to put up my hands and go on with life. Hell, would my major even be worthy of the real world? I guess so. But the salary might go down. I have been trying to think about life after being a student. How it would feel, and if the stress is the same. I actually find money to be one hell of a motivator. I guess I have been thinking about this is because I have done the math and found that (if done right) fall semester would be my last at community college. I could be in a university. Its means a lot to me because, I always struggled with school. No matter how hard I tried, I always got okay. Not great or spectacular. Only with English, which isn't even valued so much. People say I'm smart, but I never see it on tests or essays. I hope I'm ready for the next step.

The Spring Break Hangover

Okay, don't get all testy. I do not have a real hangover. I never had a hangover! Still, I have a feeling one would come by the end of my 21st birthday. What I mean by the spring break hangover is this, we have a whole weak in our own little world, trying to grasp as much of shallow fun only to find ourselves in the school morning tired as fuck. Its not healthy, but I am drinking a dp this morning just to regain some sort of sanity.

So, bottom line was my spring break was okay. I spent the first part with my family in a city I will not name. Still it bugged me how my mom said I was shallow just because I didn't care for a walk in the park and all the family fun things. I really just felt like, "What the hell! Been the good girl for you for so many years and just because I didn't care for the lousy park means you should condemn me as the shallow daughter?"I felt a bit peeved because now that i know that there are more layers to society the whole family picnic shit really just felt like a mask for the time of keeping up with the Joneses. Also, my mom really acted like a damn Stepford wife and even though it ended on the good note, I was happy to escape my mom's own shallowness and close-mindness.

And then I went to my own spring break. Basically, clubbing, smoking, and drinking. I didn't go to the beach though because I knew I would just act like a jack ass. Who really needed that? Plus, I knew I would be bound to be sunburn. It really just felt good to act my age and do things deemed not age appropriate.

Okay, so dp is not doing shit and I have yet to work on my essay in spring break. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.

Good news is its due Thursday, so I might be able to half ass it and get away with a decent grade. I know, not a role model thing to say. Never a role model thing to say.

Bars, Wangsters, and Dykes

So, Saturday I had one hell of a night and one hell of a Sunday morning. I will not go into all the details because there are too many of them. I will say straight off that I smoked a joint and it wasn't really that big a deal. In fact, I didn't really feel anything and people must be really weak to always be stoned.

Saturday night I went with Candy, her friend dubbed Bunny, two wangsters (white gangsters) dubbed Grandpa and McDonald, and a friendly dyke I guess I would dub Gem.

Let me first say, right when I saw Grandpa, I wanted to laugh. Grandpa isn't really that old, but he did look it. I am not for sure when wrinkles are supposed to be visible in guys, but this guy looked ten years older than he said. Grandpa was supposed to be in his late twenties but he really looked like he was in late thirties and the true laughing matter was that Bunny was attracted to that guy. Bunny only being eighteen. The punchline was that Grandpa and his brother McDonald dressed like Eminem. Now, I have no problem with the REAL slim shady. It is all the other shady's that make me laugh. Also, the fact that we are from the south seemed very alien to be at the presence of a wangster for me. Every time a hip hop song came on, Grandpa and McDonald would try to rap to it and go too slow and get the words wrong which McDonald called remixing. I think they just didn't get the lyrics right. McDonald (Grandpa's brother) was the more attractive, younger, and nicer of the two. I thought Bunny should just have gone for him, but I guess she wanted a sugar daddy.

Then Gem was also a piece of work. Gem is a very baby-faced, short dyke who was already stoned when I met her. Let me also say that I have no problems with dykes. I know some, but I have never known some to be high on introduction. Still, she was Bunny's friend and gave me no worries. Gem was very laid back and seemed to already have developed a crush for Candy.

Bunny is probably the most complicated merely because she was the youngest. Bunny has gone to jail, been a stripper, and gotten pregnant before her eighteenth birthday. I guess you could say she was the anti-ghost (me). I always told Candy that I would love to get inside her head, because who ends up like that in so short a time?

The first place we went to was a really nice club. As in, it cost fifteen dollars just to get in if you were a minor. Still, it was the best club I have ever been to. There were three dance floors and six bars. The crowd there was extremely different then from crowds at cheaper clubs. They were dressed nice. The men were more sophisticated, less drunk, and handsome. The girls were more drunk, less catty, and seemed more glamorous. I loved it and couldn't wait to be 21 to look like them. I felt that Candy, Bunny, and I were so under dressed and made a quick not to never listen to Candy when it came to club wear. I thought Candy really wanted me to look plain (jeans and nice shirt with flip flops) merely so she would look better by comparison.

Still, it was boring for me because all we did was walk around and look for McDonald. The whole time we only danced to two songs and Bunny and Candy seemed to pay no attention to me. Thankfully, Gem wanted to go to a gay bar, which I heard was a bit tawdry from a class mate and was not excited to go.

I was very much wrong and could kill that class mate for giving me false information. The gay bar was crowded and smoky, and it was cool because it was free for no charge. McDonald wasn't too crazy about it though because guys kept touching his butt. I wondered the whole time who was drunk enough to find him attractive. Still, it was fun, especially outside where everyone seemed so fun and comfortable. Course, they were drunk too so that might have added to the atmosphere. I tried my first cigarette and found it awful compared to weed and shisha. No wondered they wanted to legalize marajuana.

It was around one that Candy (the girl with the worst luck with men) found herself drawn to the Bieber looking dyke I dubb....Bee. Bee liked Candy and they went dancing and the whole time Bee bought Candy beer which I made mine. It was weird to see Candy after a girl, first off because she claimed to only be attracted to lipstick lesbians, second because it happened very quickly. Still, I didn't mind Bee because she had a James Avery necklace.

The night (morning) ended in Bee's apartment where there was beer pong and Eminem. I was kind of glad Bee was throwing up her lunch by that time because I really didn't want to be there knowing that my best friend and her new...interest were locked in a room screwing.

Still, I think the night just brought the worst. Candy is thinking about moving and I really don't feel sorry for her. I feel that even if I'm always with her, I can't help her. Sometimes, I just want to shake her and say, "You've moved a million times and still miserable...just get real help." I can't though. I can't really tell you why.

Cheaters never learn but could still get credit

So, my semester so far has gotten shitty. Even though I felt that i was paying enough attention, still some stupid details get leaked out by test time which is not a great time to forget things. You know how we have book smart and street smart? We have sub categories and I am not science smart or government smart. Why government? I don't know. People say its like history, but I deeply concur. History is interesting and a lot like story time. Government is more organized and picky. There are too many damn loopholes that it hurts my brain to find them. Science-well I was never good at that.

It sucks to suck at science too since I am hoping to be in psychology.

Okay, so bottom line is that I failed my last two tests and I was just so stressed and knew I would fail the next one...unless I did cheat.

Now, don't give me that look! I do feel horrible, but I couldn't help it! The answers were in view and I was in the back, so cheating I would go! To be honest, I only cheated on half, the rest I was sadly on my own. If it does help though, I will not say which subject it was or how i did it. I will say that I was surprised I didn't get caught.

Does this mean I approve of cheating. No. It just meant that I was desperate and unprepared. I would be disgusted if someone was cheating next to me. So right now I little guilty.

I would really feel guilty if my instructor wasn't such a bitch.