Whenever a Dream Comes True

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write epic books for girls who were like me. Shy and didn't know what to really think of the world. Like most dreams, it just got lost in a sea of drama and unfairness the world had to offer. So that dream was put aside. It was put aside for things like education, family, job hunting.

I had a lot of ideas too. I wanted to write things for teen girls. I had so many story lines and they are still in my head. But, seeing it on the computer screen is just something I can't do. I have tried so many times, but I could never do it. I can't seem to put my stories out there on a screen.

So, last night I was looking through my spirals (fyi, I'm a school supplies hoarder), and I saw so many poems. Okay, not so many. But it then hit me what I was good at was writing poetry.

So, I'm looking through all the old spirals and notes (yes, I wrote poems on my notes), and even making some new ones. Maybe I was just always a poet.

If I am able to publish my book...well that would be great. That would be just a dream come true.

The Big Picture

Lately, Candy and I haven't been spending time. I would guess because I schedules are weird. I was really disturbed by that too even though I said on a previous blog that I didn't really care. The thing is I do care. A lot. That really really sucks.

Still, we have been in this pattern before, and we always go right back to the beginning.

But I have been thinking a lot about the people I hang around with. They are either too party going to too book smart, but they are not the people I always pictured myself being around. People, when I was young, I had a vision of me being single with my own place in the city of New York, with friends of great culture. This is going to sound harsh, but none of my friends are very cultured. So, I told my mom how hard it is for me to talk or relate to things with my friends. How i always felt like I'm too old for my own age group. She told me I was right. She also told me that there are two people: Ones that have a life at an early age and ones that have a life in a later age. this meaning being that I probably won't have my honest fun and friends until later like Candy is having hers now. It was harsh, scary, but very true.

So, I have to stop worrying about friends and concentrate on myself. I have to get my classes out of the way and get out in the real world, that way, I can finally face my life.

Where I'll Stop Nobody Knows

First off I would like to say that people have actually been viewing this blog. Not a bother, but it's nice to know I am being viewed. Since I didn't tell any of my friends (except from a website) about this blog, I am happy to know a complete stranger is watching. And that sounded creepy. Is it my charm that is so appealing?

Okay, enough about me.

So, right now, American is really going through crazy shit because of our debt. I'm not a political brain, but I do know that we might end up borrowing money from other countries. Some people (Republicans?) think that doing so would show weakness. Which I could see why. Politics must have been invented by man because it's always about making countries seem tough. The affect it will have on my generation is not so good. There is the fact that Planned Parenthood might be doing less planning, Financial Aid would could cut in half, and tuition just went up eight dollars.

I heard on CNN earlier today that the Republicans do not want to give fair taxes to the rich. My British fantasy would say "Why the bloody hell not???" I agree.

Like I said before, America is full of celebrities, ones that really don't do anything. Rich celebrities. Imagine just giving a fair amount to all those no good celebrities, how this would suck less. Lord knows the decrease we would get if Oprah did them. I don't know if they do, like I said, I am not a politics brain. I just found the topic that the rich get richer while the poor get poorer very interesting.

So if there is anyone 18-25 please vote for whatever election. It's obvious that our generation is also suffering from this. Mid-class home owners are not alone on this. Also, don't spend money on the latest iPhone or Xbox or something like that. We are obviously going to need the money seeing as how this country is really going to the dogs.

So because of my debt scare and my feeling lonely, I keep thinking one thing. That was Get the hell out of the U.S.. I know that other places have it worse, but I will get to that.

I am very broke though. At this point I couldn't afford to buy luggage for a grand trip to Europe. I need to go somewhere rich with culture and not run by media. I am actually having a love/hate relationship with facebook. I am tired of mass media, even tired of Lady Gaga. Yes, it's getting THAT bad.

So I want to volunteer for a few months.

You read correctly. I want to volunteer in a poverty stricken country. I think I need to be away from family and friends for a little while to really find at least a piece of myself. Maybe even to be more appreciative of my own country.

I didn't know that even volunteer for a few months in a country, you also need to pay. Which is not really cool. But, if I do get the job, and I save enough, maybe I'll go.

My sub header mention fulfillment, but I haven't really been filling lately. So, this summer I am going to work on that.

I just don't feel like I belong

I know for a fact that I am not the only person that feels this way. I can't possibly be. But the feeling has become more prominent these past two days. A weekend of not going out has really made me look at the big picture here. That is that no matter how much I stay out or how fun it is, I don't really fit with that group. Maybe Candy and I would always be friends, but not really. Like we could do without each other fine. I think we just rely on each other (myself especially) like a drug we can't live without. It really sucks because no matter how many people I meet in my city, I don't fit in. I really don't. They want to talk about each other and Jersey Shore, but I want to talk about books, society, politics, and to live in a place like Italy and France. Shit, not even the students at this damn community college get me. You think they would at least be a bit more into the things I am into. It seems that when I go on about the symbolism of Scarlet Letter without mentioning Easy A, they look at me like I am speaking in another language. My mom always tells me that I need people who like books and social sciences. I agree, but there very hard to find. I hate to say it, but I need to move out of this state. I really do. But how am I supposed to do that?

All that Glitters is Fame

You will be very interested to know dear readers that I did NOT go out two nights in a row which is great progress. I am still sleepy, but not dead-to-the-world sleepy. Like I-could-make-it-sleepy. It's good to because this week is very important with one last test to change my grade point average and an essay due, I have to be on my A game.

I guess the reason for my lack of going out is the fact that I have been too busy looking for a job. It's more pressuring to do it in such a crappy economy. Why am I doing this? Because I believe I was Marie Antoinette in a past life-meaning I am a shopoholic. No, I am not joking. So far, I have gotten better. I don't rely on ebay as much, but anytime I go to a mall or shopping center it gets hard to resist. So, to feed this habit, I must get a job because Financial Aid can only do so much. I already spent a lot and that's just with things for class. I didn't even splurge this year.

I should get a call sometime this week. I applied at a clothing store and the girls that I know I was up against was two girls. One used to work at Dilliards, but has a huge job gap. The other is a mother of...I guess three. I feel really bad for the latter because who really wants to steal a job from a single mother who is trying to fight the recession? As sickened as I was by my interview, I still put on my shit-eating grin and talked in my tourist guide voice (maybe a should apply for that).

So, with my new time on hand, I was looking on E a lot, and what do you know, they are talking about the Kardashians.

I think reality TV is a huge waist of money. Sure, I am addicted to Bad Girls Club, but I know those girls don't come back unless their real good at being...bad? It's shows that involve the Kardashians, Kendra (girl that's married to that athlete), teen moms, and Jersey Shore that seriously piss me off. I say, shows on teen pregnancy just encourage it no matter how many safe sex campaigns MTV puts on. Kardashians and Kendra are nothing spectacular. Yeah, I know the Kardashians have their own store, but there might as well be a store for ALL shop owners. They say stupid things and everything is about drama. The only thing interesting about Kendra was that she was Hugh Heff's girlfriend. And Jersey Shore is...you get, stupid.

It really pisses me off that those people live so well without having to lift a finger while the rest of us are looking for employment and most that really deserve it won't get picked because they have a family to raise. U. S. ...what the hell?

Here is What I Know

There is this girl that I befriended. She has been described to be a lot like me. She is shy, soft-spoken, and very media friendly. When I do see her though, I found her to be worse. Her whole life is based on TV, books, studies, and movies. She doesn't have a facebook and her first night out was with me and Candy.

As we were out dancing and smoking (something legal) she only laughed at mine and Candy's banter, but she did not speak a word.

How could I be described as this girl. Also, how could this girl still be in her shell?

I have been locked in my shell countless times. It never did me much good to stay. When I am in isolation, its like the whole world slows down to this gooey molasses and everything you made an excuse for seems believable. It's a cage of excuses.

But now-little by little- I am out of that cage. Not completely, but I don't see bars.

Here is what I know.

When there is a chance to do something, act like it's the only chance you'll get. Remember that everyone has two sides to them, catch love when it shows, laugh at stupid jokes, and dance even if its by yourself.

That is what I know for now.

I hope that girl would take my advice.

The Mid Term Sickness

So, it's mid term which means that everyone has up to here (well, I guess you can't see it, but its very high) with the semester. I am a reading review away to call it quits and just backpack to Europe. Why not? It's good exercise and I get culture out of it. But, I wont because that would really just be a huge waste of money...even if I am not paying for it.

I have been very sleepy, so studying for *** is the last thing on my mind right now. Even if the educator is a stud muffin, I still couldn't concentrate in class. My mom says I should start taking vitamins or something, but its really hard to do that when my grade is at stake...okay and I have been going out again.

I can't wait for summer. The time for road trips, family, and friends. I can't wait for all of that. Also for the late nights and 12 hour sleep. Yes!

Just think of the Night Life

So, I am not going to give the details of the weekend. Just that i keep promising myself that I won't go out. That I have to study and be good. But, I realized that...its hard. Really hard. I didn't sleep with some random guy or make myself look trashy, but it made me realize how hard it is to get away from the night life. The glitter and tight clothes is only the paper that carries the drug of the night life. The music, the neon lights, and the smoke it a fantasy that vanishes by sunrise.

My New Years Resolution was to go out at least twice a month and now, I have been following through by going out every weekend. Now, its like my week is only a dream and the clubs are where I really belong.

I don't really feel bad abut my actions anymore. Just confused on how all this shit works. I know in the back of my mind, those clubs and that music will be considered to small for me. I would grow old and be like those ladies in country bars that try to be like on Sex and the City. Only that they have nothing witty to say and drunk off their asses. I pray to not be like them and more of the Carrie Bradshaw type-classy. I just hope I don't have to move to New York to do it.