"Have You Lost Weight?" ;)?

So, I have been in this college for a bit. Not saying how long. That's for you to decide. I will say it is more than two semesters. I am very familiar with the student employees that work here. Not like I know them by name, but I know there faces. It's sad, really. What is really sad is that even though they see student after student, they know me.

So, I was at school today because I have to look up something for a class. Also, I need to be away from family! I can only bare them so much! I go to the computer lab and hand in my I. D. The guy in charge of that reminds me of a gentle giant. His arms are freaking big and her is obviously in good shape. He has black hair and I would guess he is Hispanic (muy caliente?). He gets my I.D. looks at me up and down and says "Have you lost weight?"

I had no idea how to say to this. I felt my eyes go wide and I looked up at the ceiling like an idiot and said, "I don't think so. Maybe I got shorter."

"No," he says. "You get shorter by the age of forty."

So like a complete idiot I say, "Oh, that's a relief."

!!!!!

He just said it again. I don't even think I said thanks. I don't remember. So after going to the lab and doing what I normally do, I couldn't help but think up all kinds of good comebacks. Even "What about you? Your looking pretty good yourself." Ugh. Cheesy, but I would have made an impression. After I pick up my I.D. and mutter and thanks. I put my card in my purse and look up to his window only to see that his head just turned.

I don't know how I feel about the whole thing. I guess flattered. Maybe he was trying to flatter me. All I know is that next time he does something like that again, I am totally smitten.

Now, I said last post that I probably gained three pounds. Truth is, I am not sure. I don't own a scale at the moment. I haven't been eating the best foods and haven't been doing much exercise. The tone I once had in my legs is gone. Bet he wouldn't comment when he sees how white and jello like they are. Still, I am totally going to find a scale ASAP!

Why I Just Get More Pale and Less Tanned

I had a vision for this summer. The vision: Days at the beach, nights with vodka, passing both classes with a click of a mouse, and a set of new shoes. Like pumps or maybe a nice sling back. Instead, I got: family drama, failing one class, and going crazy by staying inside for days. Worst thing is I have yet to go to the gym and now I gained about three pounds and lost the tone in my legs. I used to be so proud that I had better legs than King and Bunny and now their like jell-o.

Summer is normally like this for me though. But I really need to get out of the slump soon. First step is going to get a burger with the shy girl that I will dub Net and going to see a movie. It doesn't sound like much, but it leads to something bigger.

Second is that I really want to start hanging out at a library or a cafe. Anything to get out of the house and be myself again.

And third is a membership to a gym.

At least I will soon get those shoes.

I am still worried about the financial aid thing. I have so many scenarios of how this could go down. When I freak out like this, I always have to remind myself that I am not the first person to do this and get out alive. In all honesty, I think they'll just make me pay some fine. I think besides these two withdraws, I have actually done pretty good. I have yet to fail and I would be damned if I fail a class.

It's just a few more weeks and I am done with the mess. ugh. I just need to breath

Just to Say

I look at all these people on facebook and think of how I really don't know them. I guess I know whoever is in my family and some close friends. But everyone else is really just an alumni. Some person I might have known. I see how different they are now. They have kids, drugs, married, or decent members of society.

I kind of have this scene I play in my head, where I meet an ex and show him how much I changed, and how much better things are for me. How I am continuing school and have good goals. Maybe he'll see how mature I have gotten and how much I am interested in more than feeling sorry for myself. Though I do say how much I feel sorry for myself. Well shit, we're not all perfect.

Not that I'm thinking about him. Ugh. I have no idea how I feel. I miss him is basically it. I used to pray he would go away and for once God answered that prayer. Not, whenever I see him on Facebook and when we just do a formal chat. It really sucks.

I always say my future goals does not involve a marriage. But to be honest, if I wouldn't mind this guy being in my future. I want to be a strong person, and haven't fallen in love, but there are some feelings with this guy that is not done.

If I did love him, I would be fighting harder for him, right? Even if I did, I might scare him off. Men suck

F***

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck! Once again needing to drop a class and once again in a pickle with financial aid. Since I am taking online courses this time, there is this one class that is just not working for me. The bad thing is that if I quit now, I will have to pay for next summer session. If I wait till the second bit of money comes in, I will risk a WF, which I hear is not fun. Ugh.

I am just happy this will be my last summer doing classes. I am serious, it is. This will be my last year in a community college. I will go on to a University. I really want to go out of town.

Okay, now I am depressed and pathetic. I need a new topic. Hmm.

Screw it, I'll get back to you on that.

Black Wool

So, every family has an outcast and my family could be described as one. My dad has always been in and out of our lives and people are always feeling sorry for us. I don't really have an average girls goal that my family is used to (find a rich man). I have said this a million times, I just want to be rich.

So today, my family member and my parent clashed and everyone just seems to be getting on their case. It sucks it really does. So I am really left with all the times I have been an outcast.

I guess you know when your not like everyone else is when your uncle says something about you. Nothing too bad, just a comment on your clothes or appearance, and it's so bad your mom gets mad. I guess you know your an outcast when your family doesn't really care what you have to say unless it's juicy gossip. It does hurt m that I have a family like this. But I know that just how families are. They will only really care at the funeral.

Tears are shedding, but not so much because of sadness, more so because it is the truth. No, it's not my immediate family that I'm talking about. It's the others. The mainstream.

But don't pity me on this personal note. I don't come on here to be pitied, I come on here to share what I see. I am an outcast and because of that, I am also a fighter. Whenever my life hits off, they will be begging me to call them everyday. It may not be happening now, but it will happen.

Keeps Getting Bitchy

So, I posted a couple of weeks ago about my devotion to The Voice. So far three of the people I like go in and i have still not lost interest. But Christina Aguilera's attitude is really starting to bug me.

Okay, don't look at me like that! Like I am some troll that is going to do this whole protest against Xtina because I have no life. Not like that at all. I love Xtina (lazy, don't feel like typing the whole name). I listened to here since her Mulan cover. But seeing her as the judge that won't shut up has made me a little uneasy. I guess she is trying to make good TV, but constantly making bromance jokes and saying Adam will soil himself is not appealing. Also, her team performance was really all about her. The girls just acting like back singers. Blake didn't do that, he let his team shine before he got in. And the whole Team Christina sign above was a turn off.

In a way I can't blame her. She is a diva and is used to the spotlight being on her. I still love her music and I know she means well, but I would love it if she toned it down. Ugh, especially the cleavage she displays. Really don't want to see that. Maybe because I'm a girl and if a I were a lesbian (not) I would be more of an ass girl, which hers is spectacular!

Mickey Mouse Ears

There is always this time in a kids life where their lives revolved around Disney and Nickelodeon. When I was little, I had shows like "Clarissa Says It All", "All That", "Rugrats", and "Lizzie McGuire". Just to name a few. There wasn't a day that went by when a little kid didn't quote "Dark Wing Duck" or "Hercules".

But now, it's very different. Instead of "Clarissa", there is "Sunny With a Chance". Sure, the new "So Randam" is to replace "All That" and the "Amanda Show", but there use of too many celeb references and web cams keep the jokes in lacking. What really bugs me is how 90 percent of the time, a new Disney Star is introduced (even Nick) and suddenly he/she is some singer. Really?

I know the current generation of tweens are obsessed with fame and stardom. Who can blame them? It looks so easy? But it's not a big deal if a Disney kid can't sing or dance. Yes, music is great, but there are other things in life.

Money is a Lover

My last post I went on a very pathetic list of all the qualities of a man I wanted. Now, as a mysterious box came to my door step. I knew it to be love at first sight. In the box, was a dream purse of mine. And I can't seem to stop looking at my teal accessory without sighing.

How fucking pathetic. lol. It would be nice to fall in love with someone (preferably a man) and not on fashion. But it's like when things go to shit. A quick glimpse online or a trip to the mall puts my heart at ease.

Sometimes, I would look back at all the things I said as a child. I remember I told my grandma I wanted a baby and no husband. I remember wanting a great mansion with all the maids in butlers I wanted, but no man. I know my home life wasn't great, but my dad was still a father figure, especially when I was younger. So I really don't know where I got the idea as a child. I watched Disney films and love princesses.

I guess I'll just leave it at that. It's sad that my dream is to even wear something my Alexander McQueen than a diamond on my ring finger.

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."
— Lady Gaga

My Ideal Mr. Right

1. He has never met any of my family or friends.

2. He loves music and is open to all types of genres

3. I get that men ALWAYS think about sex, but it would be nice if he understands my decision and supports.

4. Does not dress gangster, country, or prep (you know, those shirts with just the brands on them).

5. Is a Christian (preferably Catholic) man.

6. Is over twenty-five or does not have to party to be happy.

7. Is tall and healthy.

8. Loves me.

9. Knows what he wants in life or has a career.

The sucky part is I had a guy that had most of these qualities, and I just let him go. My stupid eighteen years old self! I thought about him this morning and I can't get his words out of my head. These days, I could kill for a man with at least four of these qualities. Now I wonder if I really want a glamorous lifestyle or a man. Preferably my ex. Ugh.

The Roommate

So, Candy and King decided to move in together. Apparently King's bf was too angry, and Candy and King did get along. Notice that i said "did" instead of "do". I came to their humble abode with the expectations that it would be a decently clean and maybe even roomy. Only to find that there were beer bottles covering the counters and both girl's rooms being a total mess. The girls have to share one already small bathroom and King has no choice but to take up the living room since she is paying the smaller part. Still, you wouldn't think that by looking at these two roommates. Until I realized Candy's ultimate pet peeve that King is guilty of; commentary.

What I mean by commentary is someone that jokes and talks during the movie. I am also guilty of it, but it's really just a couple of remarks spread out. King on the other hand makes it a Olympic sport. While trying to put an all-nighter on a naughty series with a lot of hot guys, King was very...loud. I don't really mind it, but that is Candy's thing.

After King went off to work, Candy confided in me that she is really annoying (meaning King). When I told her that a few flaws were bound to surface, she only made the remark that there were A LOT of flaws.

I guess it doesn't help that they work together and then live together. I wondered myself what kind of a roommate I'd be. I don't think I would be too bad, but who knows.

Can't Possibly be Human, or Warm-Hearted.

This morning, I have been less in reality. I guess it's day dream season. I just know that my mind is in a fog and reality seems to just be a blurry object in the distance. Maybe it's the lack of going out, maybe it's because I haven't had any caffeine (cappucino) in weeks. I just know that I am barely "with it" right now. I am currently in school because being at home all day is only asking for trouble. I have promised my parent that I would go to school at least once a week for help. Ugh. Not the school part, but this being dazed part.

Like every other time I get to this, I think about things of little importance, but I am going to say it anyways, I think girls in their early twenties are complete idiots to getting married. There! I said it! Actually, I also feel the same for boys. I even will go far to say hopping into bed with someone, and getting pregnant is stupid. People my age should be trying to build a life for a husband and family, not just getting one. i don't believe in the whole high school sweathearts bit.

I mean, I'm sure it worked fine for our grandparents and great grandparents. Really cause their generation knows the truth of romance and love. They weren't brainwashed by mainstream or commercials. Sure, they went through the sexual revolution (60's and 70's), but they pretty much wanted the American Dream. They didn't mind staying in the town they grew up in. They grew up faster.

Our generation in the other hand, isn't mature even with a family. We are at this constant "more" stage. Sure, every girl wants to fined "the one", even I would like to find him. But the truth is guys in their twenties might as well be fifteen.

I guess the topic got to me because I have married or engaged friends, and they always seem to have a miserable life. They always complain about communication and how he isn't the same. I feel that they were so warped up with the whole disney romance shit us 90's kids were always fed, that they didn't see the big picture. "Big picture: Yeah, he might love you, but he loves himself as well. He loves is Xbox kinnect because he paid good money for it. He loves the sex, but he wouldn't mind hanging with "the boys more." Not to say these guys couldn't love. I just believe they aren't ready to love. I believe that love isn't just a warm feeling people get. I think it's this thing you have to take care of so it could properly grow.

What really has been bugging me is that unlike my friends that long to have babies and be married, I don't really see that. I don't really want that ten years from now. I want a career, friends, a different night life, the city. I do not want a family. I do not want a soul mate. According to my generation, there is something wrong with me.

Like the Lazy Song Says

I haven't gone out for weeks, and the fact that i was invited to possible mischief tonight and REFUSED has really got me thinking. Why? I haven't really done anything to brag about. Other than playing video games and finishing a essay sentence by sentence. I have been shopping like crazy for summer things. I got nice French perfume, bought my sister's present, bought a short leaved leather jacket, two tops, and shorts on discount. Oh, and I pre-ordered a video game. Wait, bought two books from bn.com.

I guess it's the summer weather that has made me less active. Why that is so, I'll never know. I really just want to do my classes and read a book. I want to get more tanned and not give a damn about my makeup.

So that's all I really wanted to say.

Ugh, can't even do a decent blog right!!!

THIS IS THE VOICE!

Yes, I am doing to posts today. Mostly because I really need to avoid my online classes before my brain explodes! So this post is about the new hit singing competition, the Voice. I was reading Rolling Stone's article on the show. They called it "Idol's Wild Child". Which I could see why.

I used to watch Idol every year. But every year I really lost interest. Mostly because the winners just seem to fit the usual next-door persona. Especially this new guy called Scottie Forgothisname. His baritone voice just didn't appeal to me. I don't even think that girl, Lauren Something, is great either. I watched maybe one or two episodes this season, really just because of the new judges. It's good they bring in new meat, but Tyler and Lopez are so bad at critiquing. I always felt that was another bad thing about American Idol.

But watching to Voice has something different. Instead for those horrible filler bad auditions where the judges basically laugh at the poor contestants, we just get to the good stuff. That is the first appeal. Second is of course the judges. Cee Lo Green? Blake Sheldon? WTF? Not do these people still have a career, but they fight for contestants. Well, not literally, but there is a lot of persuading involved. Not only that, but I am actually rooting for the contestants. With Idol, I always felt I could sing better than those phonies. In Voice, I tip my hat to voices like Javier, Vicki, and Xenia. I know I could never be as good as them.

Next are the live shows. I sadly don't have cable so I would have to watch on hulu. But I am watching till the bitter end.

The Metamorphosis

Lately, I have felt in sync with Lady Gaga (yes I am a monster). Really because I feel I have also been going through this metamorphosis of my own. Only, I am not wearing meat to prove it. Bottom line is, I have changes in my life that i will not mention really because I believe it would interfere with my identity.

Let me tell you, instead, the effect it has on my views. I feel a bit more at ease with the ways things are going for me. Not this fall, but next fall I will further my education in a university. I might be moving to my favorite city, and for some reason this feeling of luck is in the air. Candy and I haven't really been speaking. Not because we don't want to, merely because I am doing summer school and she is working. Trying to figure out her own problems.

I look back at my high school days and tried to remember how I saw life, fashion, music, and boys. Now I realize I am not really attracted to pretty boys, but men of depth. I realize I cannot deny I love pop. I love fashion to the true rapture, and I can be extremely melo-dramatic.

Because, I am at this part of my metamorphosis, I realize that I want to move on. Leave my home, my family, and Candy. Go where I d0n't have a name. Where I can finally introduce myself. It will happen mon ami's. And it's coming by fast.