Message from the Ghost of Christmas Gifts

Christmas (or holidays if you prefer) has been driven more towards tablets and cell phones rather than the the holiday dinner. We have made a sport on that big sale on a TV rather than taking time to make a ginger-bread house with the kids. What's worse, a family would rather just buy a bunch of useless shit for the kids rather than save up money for a classic Christmas cabin away from ads and facebook.

I admit, being a shopaholic, it's a thrill to go to the mall with my war make-up on. But I was thinking that sometimes the gifts just remain useless and stuffed in a cob-webbed corner of a closet. Also, these gifts aren't even unique or thoughtful. Majority of my presents are damn gift cards!!! How is my present different from anyone else's or shows my true gratefulness of the person?

My Christmas past did involve presents, but after some thought, I realize I just had a handful that I still use. A leather jacket from grandma, a book of poems from my mom, and some hooker boots also from my mom (even at the age of 14, heels were a passion). But I don't remember Christmas by the presents, rather by the unique moments before and after. The Christmas moment I long for all year is the mass. I don't really go to church, but it's always been this necessity for me to go on that day. I think because the sin inside me is burning my leather jacket off. Either way, it's a simple piece of Christmas that does not require a trip to the mall.

So what I'm saying is the Dr. Seuss was right in the Christmas story "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". Christmas should not be made of gifts or how much you spend on a person. It should be about the moments we share and will cherish.

Where is Potter...more

Okay, so all seven books and movies are officially out and there is one Harry Potter theme park with one on the way. How awesome is that.

There is this one thing that really ticks me off about the franchise and that is the teasing of fucking Pottermore.

I wish I could explain what Pottermore is. I am only assuming (because I am not a Beta) that it’s a community of HP fans (what do you call them?) that join in on some behind the scene stuff on the books. A.k.a: It’s really just milking the money making cow.

I have no problem with some more HP. Sometimes, I do feel that maybe we should put the franchise to rest. However we are in a time where entertainment is kept alive at all costs. Like comic book heroes, Star Wars, Star Trek, the Beatles, and Lord of the Rings (remember, there is “Hobbit” the movie coming out). Hell I still want a portrait of Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn.

The difference is that this whole Pottermore thing is not open to the public. I’m sorry I don’t watch out for things like Quill challenges on my computer. Sorry that I felt that my grades were at risk. It doesn’t, however explain why the hell this whole Beta period is taking forever.

All I’m saying is that if things like facebook and google+ can handle more than a million followers and still keep up with things like updates, why not Pottermore?

A Semester Done...Now What?

A semester is done and the possibilities ahead of me seem scary but refreshing at the same time. Mostly because i am pretty damn proud of my 3.0 GPA. In high school, I was lucky enough for a 2.5. So this is a self-esteem booster.

It’s like this for me because I can officially go to a university. Well, if they’ll except me. And they better! But still, I always wanted to go to a university, even when I knew the odds were against me. Believe me, they were. In high school, I had such low self-esteem that I skipped classes and made a minimum effort of trying.

Okay, enough with the whole inspirational “Freedom Writers” bit.

As on year is coming to a end, another will begin and the older my ass will be. Lately I have been thinking of my singlehood and how there seemed to be no Mr. Books in the south. I guess it plagues me more because Candy is having a baby and I am going for university (soon?). I have come to this realization that no matter how great our friendship is, we belong in different paths.

So that’s what growing up is I guess. There is only one thing to do…I think.

Must be Another Mr. Books

The semester is technically over. Only exams this week and next. Then, it will be the last day to be in the class of Mr. Books. For those who aren't familiar, Mr. Books is the teacher I've been daydreaming about for a year. This is the last class I'll ever really have him in and it's very sad. Because he is in his fifties and I am in my twenties. He is my teacher and I am a student. He is married and I have a sick case of daddy issues (which is weird because I know my dad does love me in a appropriate way).

I am not delusional on the whole situation. So I keep my distance, while admiring his deep voice and intellect that I so much desire. Sometimes I wish I was to get the craving out of me. To just act upon the damn deed and move on with life.

Candy is the only person that knows about this sick dream. She deemed it being "intellectual stimulation" that was the problem. I very much agree.

When I meet a guy, I do find some attractive. If it has to be between "gangster" and "cowboy" I normally go for cowboy. However, conversation is shallow and flirting is fucking to most. I just don't have fun with guys my own age.

I know why too. My mom has always commented that I had an "old soul" and if I was in middle school I wouldn't believe her. However, I realized that I do prefer to talk to older men and women than my own age group. Ha, probably why I have a few close friends (as I always say, best to have a few good friends than a lot of bad ones). I never thought my "old soul" would be this much of a problem.

But as an old soul, I know that it's not right to want another woman's man. It really isn't. However, I pray to God I will find my own Mr. Books. Also pray he is at least my age if not in his 30's.

Maybe there are just no available Mr. Books where I'm at.

Might have to change that soon.

Limbo

On these posts, I try to be as balanced as possible. I always try to be gray as the situation allows me.

But these days, I find myself in a darker color and facing high school habits. I want a smoke and a drink so bad just to forget of the past wasted days I had. I am literally in this limbo and it feels like no one with push me out. I try moving myself, but my steps got heavy and my breath shorter. I see how blessed I am, but the fact that good things turn sour is what’s killing me.

I need an escape.

I need a friend that will go with me to a darker fun.

Just someone to get me away from limbo.

God Mother

In one of my classes, we learned about the social clock. This can be described as being surrounded by social pressures by your community or peers. Twenty years ago, this would be your grandmother seeing you for Thanksgiving asking when exactly she'll have great grand kids.

But now the social clock is more digital and I see it every time I'm on facebook. I swear, I can't go on facebook without seeing pictures of babies and hearing cute things the five year old girl said. The crazy thing is that the mother of this next generation were my peers who wanted to go to a university or get the hell out of the city. Few are happily married while the majority are separated from the sperm donor.

I guess it's my form of social clock because I feel that my wall doesn't compare to those of first footsteps or little pink noses. I feel...alone as a single, not prego college girl.

And now the fact that Candy and Micro are having a baby makes me feel more alone. Worst of all...I'm deemed the God Mother.

I kind of wanted to shake Candy and tell her it's a bit mistake. I really wish she'll just put the kid up for adoption. Her and Micro are not ready to begin a relationship with a child.

But since the whole world is against them on this, like the good bff, I must suck it up and by her "What to Expect". They should really come up with a book called "What Not to Expect".

It's Called Being a Gentleman!

Men, I would like to tell you something. If you want a girl to take home to mama, the first step is to not look for a whore.

Okay, don’t you act like you don’t know the difference between trash and treasure. I know for a fact you do, else how do you know which girl to bang for the night?

Second step is to win the girl, and it’s easy to get her interested for the time being, but we both know your thinking about SEX.

Candy gave this guy my phone number. So we were texting, and then he asked for pics. I gave him two. One without cleavage and the other one with. But he kept asking and then he was basically sexting me.

I guess the pics made the guy think I was easy, but obviously if I said no to porno and sex, I am not like that. And while I’m there texting him, he keeps asking me what I think of him. I thought it was very weird he didn’t bother asking more about me.

Guys, I know I come off a hard judge, but it’s really not hard to move me. Just be friendly, flirty (not horny), and remember I am a person, not the mirror from Snow White.

I know there are good guys out there because my ex was one and my teacher (Mr. Books I dub him) is definitely one.

Ugh, I can’t stop thinking of Mr. Books! It sucks! Especially since I will soon not have him anymore. Why does he have to be so…mature!

Someone Like You

I had a boyfriend, and he was so close to perfect. But his little imperfections didn’t drive me away, it was my fear. He was four years older than me, and I didn’t really know how my parents would be. So….they never knew about him.

When we broke up, it was weird, but we were still each others friends on facebook.

Months went by and we still played the single game. I was really feeling put together.

But then he goes on to say he was the happiest man in the world because of his new girlfriend.

I thought I would be more cool about this, but I find myself in the continuing “what if” series. What if I grew up and just told my parents about him. What if I wasn’t insecure.

But, the bottom line is that it’s already happened. So I will give myself this one night of being depressed and all Taylor Swift. But tomorrow is a new day.

Sounds cliche, but it’s true. If I mourned over one guy I wasn’t even brave enough to care for, what’s that going to say about my true love?

We’ll see.

Tumble on

Okay, so I have gotten a tumblr account. What is a tumblr...still kind of figuring that out. The best way I can describe it is that it's like a social network blog. You can customize it and if you see a cool picture someone else has, you can "reblog" it to your own post.

I am really excited to start the new blog, but I am not letting this one go. Really because I have said way too much on this blog. It's my first born! So I will keep this one and have both blogs running the same posts. Since people don't really know what I'm about, you might find that I will recycle posts. Okay, maybe that's just another way of saying I'm lazy. If you want to check out my tumblr simply click on the link: http://wordsfromtheghost.tumblr.com/ .

Trouble in Fairy Tale Land

In October two shows decided to pop their head out from a enchanted forest. One being the spawn of hit TV show (always wanted to say that) Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the other from just as big hit TV show Lost. I was very interested, but alas, my busy schedule had me in computer lab looking at these shows through Hulu. Normally during the ads, I look at the reviews. One review just got on my nerves.

"It's so nice to see something so new and fresh!"

Ok, let me say that the whole modern fairy tale in modern world has been done. I am not saying Enchanted either. I am saying The 10th Kingdom. I loved it since I was a kid and have yet to see anything that could beat the mini-series. It's about a girl (20's really) and her dad getting sucked into a world where fairy tales exist. They are guided by a dog, who claims to be the grandson of Snow White, and it becomes apparent that since the death of Snow White there has not been many happy endings. I liked it because it had a little of everything. Romance, action, humor, horror, and drama. The cast was awesome (Ed O' Neil plays the Troll King), and the special effects weren't bad for early 2000's.

The only thing that came close to the show is Grimm's Fairy Tale and that is sadly a comic book. If you ever decide to check it out, don't judge a book by it's cover. It's likely you'll see a sexy Red Riding Hood showing her underwear. The comics are very well written and give modern meaning, you just have to look past the chest size.

Okay, now the actual review. The first one I actually saw the whole way through and was very excited for. Once Upon A Time actually had a decent plot line to boot! It's about the Evil Queen from the Snow White story placing a curse on all of Fairytale Land. Curse being that everyone must live in our world with no recollection what they once were. So Snow White is a elementary teacher, Queen is a mayor (very fitting), and Jimeny Crickett is a shrink. The only way to save them all from reality (can it be me too?) is by Snow White's 28 years old daughter (ugh, really don't want to explain her plot) coming to the town they live, Storybrook".

I like all characters, but strangely the star of the whole thing is The Evil Queen. Surprising. Snow White's daughter, Emma, is a character I strangely do not like. The whole time I'm watching these episodes, I can't help but think "Must really suck to have your mom younger looking then you". Her character is supposed to be the usual tough blonde chick who doesn't care for authority, but her dialogue is so boring and her character very flat despite her plot twists.

Grimm I was interested in really because it's from a writer from Buffy. It's pretty decent because it's like CSI with the Big Bad Wolf. But the main character just didn't click for me, and him acting like a chicken with his head cut off had me lose interest. I guess I would have to finish it.

Well there you go people. Big rant and now degree in Journalism to back it up. Enjoy.

Just a little change

I love the movie "Breakfast At Tiffany's". Any girl would. Not because of the fashion or the stud muffin Paul. Really just because in some sense, we have all been there. We all tried our easy way out, use charm to mask distress, or ran away from someone that actually did care about us. I always felt that that was really what the movie was all about. Then I noticed just a little something from the movie that did show up in my current events.

I have described Candy as a girl who loves the parties and always has some conflict with men. She is the girl that doesn't know too much about literature or stories like I do. Not because she is stupid, she is actually very smart despite her other friends, but she doesn't care for reading, or watching things that weren't on a screen. The only thing she will watch on stage is a sweaty country artist with toned arms.

But I really wanted to watch a play. We will say RENT. I don't remember how exactly I did it, but I managed to get Candy to go with me. As the play went on though, I really got nervous of what she thought. She didn't care for musicals, only Moulin Rouge. But in the end, Candy enjoyed it. It helped that the second leading man was attractive and a good singer. She now wants to see another musical.

I'm not saying she is going to start going to get tickets for Hairspray or Fiddler on the Roof. I'm just saying she changed in a very small way.

I started thinking in ways she changed me. I am still shy in my own way. But when I talk, I talk. I'm not as scared of people and that's really because of Candy. She would be the first to say. And she still continues to do so.

Our styles, if anything are a big indignation of how we grew. I don't wear shirts from Hot Topic anymore, in fact, even going near the store makes me feel a bit out of their market audience. Have you seen the kids that lurk there? Candy on the other hand used to love bright colors and bling. She was actually very girly. Even though she struggles to get her HS self back for the sake of Micro, she really just goes for tight jeans and tank tops. She dresses more for comfort and style basics rather than a actual label.

These things aren't bad either. We are supposed to change. If we didn't you'd see lawyers wearing overalls and nurses carrying teddy bear back packs. Everyone would still be watching Rugrats rather than the news. The Oscars would just be more like the Teen Choice Awards.

Why the hell does this involve Breakfast at Tiffany's? There is a part in there where Paul and Holly go a day living life the way the other would. Paul saw Holly's sanctuary (Tiffany's and Co.) and Holly saw Paul's (the library). And days later Paul found Holly at the library reading. She changed only a little, but she was still Holly.

So if you find yourself doing less of what you did three years ago, don't look it as a way of giving in to something. Just as a way of growing up.

It didn't end in King's Cross

I saw the last movie of Harry Potter weeks after the actual release. I found that it was touching and is was pretty sad to see something I spent a decade watching go bye bye.

Still, there was this knowing that one tower of geekdom will be closed off and everyone could just move on with their lives. The next generation might have even had a healthy balance of real life and life at Hogwarts.

But that's all that I just thought. Then I remember for geeks, there is really no end. People might still dress up as Harry Potter or Hermione Granger. There is still that Hogwarts castle in Florida and lets not forget that Harry Potter still has the most fanfics.

Still, small things and nothing as huge as a movie. Then there was Pottermore.

I heard about it, but just figured it was a site selling the Harry Potter E books, which I was very excited about. Hey, just because I preach about getting away from the hard stuff doesn't mean I don't want to read a book once in a while.

I was checking it out I guess a month after it was opened, only to find that the were not accepting anymore members. I was surprised and a bit pissed. Aparently they only allowed over a million that succeeded in a "Quill Challenge" to test the site. Imagine my surprise when I found out they weren't selling books, but they were, however, giving people houses and wands.

So I am to guess that Pottermore is half facebook and half rp. I somewhat want one, but I already spend enough time on facebook. If I choose to get one, you will know. And maybe I'll write my Pottermore experience and give you the final conclusion

Hollywood's Royal Wedding

Tonight is when history is made. Tonight, there will be a wedding all girls will dream of and brides would break the bank for. There will be tears and bitter feuds on whose right, and finally the worship of the wedding dress and the ass that's in it.

If you haven't heard from channels like E!, Oxygen, or Bravo it's the Kim Kardashian wedding to be shown tonight. Most of my female family members are going to watch it, but as I said before, I really don't see a point for the whole hype.

I really don't want to be reminded the charm life of a Kardashian. How she gets a wedding to rival Kate Middleton's or any other girls. I don't get the appeal of the Kardashians period. From what I've seen, all they do is fight, act stupid, and fight. there could be shows on more positive things. I'm not talking about a bible readings, but maybe on celebrities doing charities (hell these days everything has to have a celebrity in it) or better comedies. As show with real fictional character.

Also, I don't see why people love featuring their weddings. Don't they get that people like me are out there talking shit about their events. And the reason why I am posting this is simple:

Kardashians, Hiltons, or whoever has spent their life as a reality star are not royalty. Not of any kind. They are just famous because people have nothing better to do than to watch them buy a million dollar cake or their two hundred thousand dollars worth of flowers

Oh! Now I know why I'm Single

So, I don't know if you remember this, but Candy has a boyfriend I call Micro. Why Micro? Micro patince, tolerable, and brain. All that rolled into one. He tries to get on my good side, but always manages to piss me off. the worst thing about having your best friend in a relationship is that She acts like she is married and always has the guy with her. We can't even go drinking anymore or to the usual clubs because if one guy looks at her weird, he gets pissed.

Ugh, there is soooo much I can't stand about him. It would take forever for me to explain.

I think the reason I stop looking is because I never had the best examples. My parents are a mess, my grandparents always die, and my friends date losers. Just when I do meet a guy, and we're really hitting it off, I freak out because I am afraid after the honeymoon session.

Candy and Micro are passed the honeymoon phase. In a matter of two months, they want a baby. I have know idea what to say to that. I guess not so happy. Her last relationships were never so good, and I really don't think this is the guy. Not a good job, bad home, and immature acts. I don't get the attraction.

My God.

The Blue Corner

Probably should have posted this earlier, but Lord knows I was going through some personal shit. Let's talk about the new Facebook layout.

It started out simple enough. The made the chat bar more visible, and if you have it on your phone, you could still online. chat. But then they decided to make the news feed less chronological. They basically put all popular stories first and all the recent stories at the end. I always figured new is better, but I guess not. Then I notice that things like someone liking a link is put off to the side. Worst part: they introduced the blue corner.

For anyone who was smart enough not to get a fb account, let me fill you in. The blue corner is just that right on someones post. I guess to make it look like a dog-ear. The purpose is to tag all the peoples posts that you might be interested in. They never get mine right. How do they even guess?

I know Facebook is trying to make it more personalized and convenient, but it really comes off as that creepy neighbor that looks at you as he's watering the lawn. It makes me wonder how much fb does know about some people and is that really a good thing.

And seeing what everyone is listening or watching on fb almost goes close to stalking. I really could care less what my cousin is listening to.

I see that these changes went from being about connecting with loved ones into people really just being their own channel. Is it really a good thing that we say everything about ourselves.

I know me blogging isn't really any different. But you guys really don't know what I do. You know I am a student and very naive. I am emotional and a pessimist. But what else really?

Am I in Neverland?

I was on just seconds ago, and I saw one of my friends I was very close with on facebook.. She looked, totally different. Less punk and more pop. That's really not a bad thing because God knows I am also down that route. But still, I keep seeing pictures of who i suspect is her little boy. Not because she has a big caption that says MY SON, but more because she doesn't deny that's it's hers. I just feel that she went prego on me even though we kind of swore to each other we wouldn't. I know, it's stupid to make such a promise, but at eighteen, it was not. Still isn't to me. She doesn't have much on her in her info, so I don't know what her relationship status is. Then I have come to realize that the majority of my facebook friends have kids or are engaged. Lord knows my best friend, Candy has been on a fast track with this guy I shall call Micro.

I am really starting to wonder if everyone else is going too fast or have I just been stuck in Neverland. Never moving forward with relationships. I keep thinking of all my failed conquests all because either my standards were too high or because I just saw right through them. I guess you could say that I know when a guy is being fake, and normally the ones that pursue me are just that.

I really am not sure when single hood became this big mystery to me. I don't even remember when it started coming out as a bad thing. I always thought being single was cool, but then you see your friends in such a hurry to get married or pregnant, it really gets me to thinking that maybe I got the formula wrong.

I don't really know...for once.

Two and a Half Men goes sexy

I am really posting this because I just finished watching the new show. I looked at the comments on the bottom and was she shocked to find so many disses on the stud named Ashton Kutcher. It's obvious to see why. No one wants Charlie Sheen gone from something that obviously touched peoples hearts. They kept commenting on how Sheen was the one that made the show. Normally I would say to the haters "If you don't like the show anymore, then why call yourself a fan". But really, that would just make me a hypocrite. Like the new Carrie Diaries that is really supposed to be a prequel to Sex and The City. Or something like that. I read SOME of the book and it was...blah. Your average teen first time bull. I basically stopped there.

But then I hear this new show was going to include all former characters from the show, which does confuse me because they weren't in the book. Either way, I would prefer to hear my Samantha Jones than this new one.

The whole bedazzling old shows like Two and a Half Men and the upcoming Charlie's Angels did make me think of what it's really about. No, not money, which is always the primary answer. But dig a little deeper and see that it's about time. Even though the original audience doesn't care for a ab-tastic Two and a Half Men, it's really not about them. It's about the new viewers. I guess that's why people get so pissed at people that do like the show. Because chances are that they are younger and just enjoy these things better. These originals are bitter and aging and no matter what, they will remember of what that show once was.

Whoa, I made this kind of deep. Leave it to me I guess.

I saw the show and i wasn't too impressed myself. But not because Ashton Kutcher was the spawn of Satan. Really because They just introduced a new character and the story took place after Charlie's funeral. Come on! Why would it be happy? But Jake was awkward and pissed like usual so that really made up for it. See, wasn't all bad.

"Intellectually Stimulated"

So, I mentioned before I just naturally have a thing for teachers. Like this messed up fascination with them. It's not all teachers like females. But it's mostly handsome male men. Normally, it never was a problem. Elementary and Middle School, it was all okay. I didn't have those feeling. But probably because those men were not handsome.

What is it with all the handsome teachers being in high school or college? Is there some bone structure requirement they must pass to teach elementary? Come on, I'm sure the kindergarden teacher wouldn't mind a little eye-candy. I am jsut saying that i have never seen a Jason Segal or Justin Timberlake teach Social Studies.

I think you know where this is going. That teacher that I said I like in the last post. Not the English one, that one with the gray hair. Yep, got him again. Lord knows it was intended. I thought that maybe, it was some school girl phase and that i was all grown up now. Apparently not the case. he just makes these faces I like and I like how he says my name. Ok, stopping now. Blushing in public. Not cool.

I really like it when he "steps on toes" and really starts an uproar in class. I don't know, babbling again.

I showed Candy the picture before the semester started. She was, I guess, expecting Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt.She seemed very unimpressed with his gray hair and nerdy polo and said that he was old. I thought he looked good for his age. Whatever that was.

So, for once, Candy saw what madness I had. She said that I was "intellectually stimulated" which means I get turned on by brains. Well, that makes too much sense. I do drool at a good ass, so that's nice. But i have to admit, the girl is right. I always like a guy who knows his stuff. And i don't mean drugs or Ambercrombie and Fitch. A guy that has a passion to learn more and loves to share that. I.e. a teacher. :(

Still doesn't explain why I never see ugly first grade teachers.

Whose Fault is it Anyways?

Okay, so ultimate family drama in the family business. My mom and uncle both run the show. So, I am not going through the whole bit because that not what this post is about. Bottom line: Business is failing. Mom: Blamed because she borrows the money. Uncle: Blamed because he spends the money.

So the past 24 hours. The family has been in a uproar on whose fault it is. I actually just feel like a bad witness to all of this. I really want to be with my mom 100%. I really do. But she is threatening to quit altogether, and I know that is just a bad idea. Really bad. Because she has kids and so many other obligations, she can't afford to quit. It just can't be done. So I am very much worried for her. Not only that, but she is threatening to cut off as many ties to my uncle as possible. This is bad because, what would this look like to the younger generation when all family traditions are shut down?

My uncle is a piece of work. He is a very pugnacious man. Say one raw thing to him, and shit hits the fan. He is also guilty for screwing up the company. Even though my mom got a loan from the company (further proof she can't afford to quit). My uncle raped the company. he put what was supposed to be one thing, into this Frankenstein octopus this with crooked tentacles. Example that if one starts a business, it should remain singular, not plural unless you can afford it. Not only that, but he also spends the company money on other extravagances "for the employees" a.k.a, his labor buddies that he buys food for.

Really sad that I have no real risk in the business, but feel gray hairs poking out. I am mostly mad at my uncle for being such a dick, but I am irritated with my mom. I understand where she's coming from and maybe if she had a different life I would support her. But I am not happy she is risking my own siblings well being.

Why is that family members are stubborn? Why is it that our pride chokes the truth right out of us. When I notice I am being a dick, I try to fess up to it before it gets used for ammo. I guess it's a bittersweet gift. But the more I thought on this topic, the more i see in my family how everyone has to always be right. Just for the smallest little pellet too.

Big example is when I could only buy a swimsuit from a certain place because my mom failed to tell me we were going to the water park. After thinking about it, I decided that I would rather be in a crappy bathing suit rather than baking in the sun. I told my mom to go ahead and go to the store. She goes on to say, "Oh, I thought you said you didn't want to go to the store". You know, in this know-it-all tone. I said I changed my mind. She then says, "Well, I told you to just get a swimsuit and you said you didn't want one." Was there really a point in saying that?

I am really tired of all this family drama and I PRAY that it will all work out. Let me tell you, it isn't the first row, but it is a shitty one.

Not Giving a Damn is So Expensive

I was kind of thinking about my style throughout my life. I had my princess stage. Mom would dress her little darling up in frilly dresses to where I looked like a Marie Osmond doll. Then there was my pop stage. All the girls in middle school went through this at my school. We would try to mimic what was saw on TV movies from Disney. We normally got these clothes all in one store called Limited Too where they sold cd's from Backstreet Boys or Lizzie McGuire books.

I thought about my high school style though. All I could say was that it was trying. But the one thing I do remember wearing the most in my HS career was the little black shirt.

Okay, I had a drawer full of just black shirts. Each with some different sign. But I do remember envying girls who got there full goth on. Like the frilly skirts, the high boots, and the dramatic make up.

You know when you look on your facebook, you page has all these ads based on you interests? One of my ads is for "Authentic Gothic Attire". WTF? I got curious though and took a look.

I remember how two shirts from popular "edgy" store from Hot Topic is basically forty bucks. A frickin blouse on that website was forty bucks. I always figured goth, grunge, emo, or punk people were supposed to dress to piss off society. I never thought pissing someone off would be so expensive. I hear that most of these lifestyles just go to a thriftstore, but I'd imagine it would have to be a pretty awesome one because Goodwill never seems to provide to their standards. Not from what I've seen anyways.

My style now has become more expensive, but really because I do care. That's not a bad thing either. I'm not saying I go out in my Gucci sandals (I wish), but I don't rely on black like I used to. I shop at American Eagle or Forever 21. Course, if I feel rich, I go to Buckle. Still, when i look at my closet now, I see how different I changed. But my new go to article of clothing has become jeans. Not a bad thing. I'm sure one day I'll grow out of that as well.

Joe and Adele

So, the VMA's are not over, but already a lot of shit to talk about. First and foremost, Gaga's masculine ego, Joe Calderone.

He comes off as a lovesick greaser with a ciggy in his hand and a beer set on the piano that he spills to fans. I didn't really know what Gaga was thinking. Was she giving us an image of her Judas? Or her ideal guy? Her character, Joe, tells the audience how Gaga was crazy and how she can't have an honest feeling without the spotlight. So, I guess I will be having a wet dream about Gaga and Joe, how messed up is? I told Candy that if there was one girl I would not mind losing my virginity to, it would be Lady Gaga, so the fact that she came out as a dude, basically confirms my desire. Course, haters are goin' hate. People have been saying how much the song sucks and how it's just to get attention. I don't get it. People bitch about her being a blonde in a leotard singing pop. Minute she changes her song, hair, and theatrical gender, it's still a problem. Oh well.

Now, Adele's performance was amazing to me. I only heard Rolling in the Deep. But I heard that's actually her worst song on the album. I was so pumped to seeing her sing. She is the celebrity among celebrities. her song opened something up in me. It was simple. A piano, black dress, and mike. She had a passion that perfectly matches Gaga's (Joe?). Her eyes carried such emotion a lot of performers lack. One guy, a fellow monster, didn't like it though. But it made me see that a true lover of music would not rely on fireworks, crazy outfits, or hot dancers to like an artist.

So, Gaga/Joe won Best Female Video and I am very happy. But I would be just as happy if Adele did.

Don't Be a Betch

So, I realize I really don't like King. If anything, I want to be rid of her. She cusses like a teenager and has the most annoying laugh ever. I am all to cussing, but saying "Fuck" in every sentence is very annoying and not so lady like. And King does something that pisses me off even more. She has a STD and doesn't say it to her lovers.

Where in her little fucked up brain does she thinks they don't have the right to know?

So, Candy and I have this friend for a very long time called...Z. Z has a roommate named...Smiley. One night King, Candy and I went over to there apartment and there was drinking and beer pong. I pretty much got drunk and recall Candy laying in bed with Z and King being alone in a living room with Smiley even though the bitch claimed she was sleeping. We heard laughing and Candy made a comment saying, "They sound like their having fun."

HELL NO!

I don't know if I like Smiley in that way. I really don't. I just know that he is a cool person and I don't mind saving him a trip to the doctor. So I ruined the mood and i can tell King seemed a bit annoyed.

So, goal is saving every man I can from King's clutches. Maybe even have a little fun myself.

The Second Summer Reflection

So, my summer has officially ended. I just have a week off before I go back for fall. I discovered that I can now apply for a university I was really interested in. Even if i can't afford, it would be nice to be accepted. I am excited to start a new chapter. I am excited to get out of prison. I know how I have it good, but sometimes, those things come with a price...like your dignity.

As much as I love my family, I know I can't take another year living with them. I need that self discovery, and I wouldn't mind another college being a excuse.

My second summer reflection is that people are selfish. I guess if you're a saint, no, but other than that, we are all pretty damn selfish. Sometimes fun does come before loved ones. I have been guilty of it myself, but kicking someone while their down isn't that fun.

I am sick of the life I'm living. So I promise that by next summer, I will not be in this spot.

ScheiBe

Okay, there is supposed to be a b looking accent in the title word rather than English "B", but my computer is lame soooo deal with it!

I have been out for a bit, mostly because I had no clue what to write about. Also, summer schoo is it's usual shitty self.

Now, scheibe (pronounced shy-za) is the German word for shit. If you are a Gaga monster, you would know it's the name of a song off her new album (in stores now!). The song is really the purpose here. There is this part where she sings:

I wish I could dance on a single prayer.

I wish I could go without permission, yeah

I wish I could dance on a single prayer

I wish I could be strong without the scheibe there.

Scheibe is referring to the man that is putting her down. The song is a very feminist song so I love the scheibe out of it.

I was thinking about it because of text from candy after a fight with a bf. I should change. I was hoping her choice of men, but she meant herself to be approved by this loser.

I'm not saying change is bad. God no! But I believe that the only good reason to change is for yourself. Not for some guy. Or any guy. If you have a true love or soul mate. Whatever people call it these days, I believe they should be willing to accept you. They should also accept the choices you make that does include change. You should be willing as well.

I feel like I'm the only one that sees this.

The Summer Reflection

I know that it's a bit early for this. I believe school ends for me three weeks fromnow, but I am going to reflect anyways.

I learned that not everyone is a two dimensional character. like King. She introduces herself as this nice girl, but she is really fake. Not just to Candy, but to me. I hate how she always tries to be more real than me Just because I don't do E, doesn't mean I'm not real. Then, there is Net. She is a sweet girl, but I think being close to her mom for so long screwed her up somehow. I normally come off as shy, but Net makes me look like a party girl. That is sad.

I have also noticed that I am not as hesitant to take a chance on clothes or trends, which is always a plus for a shopaholic like me. But, I am also more relaxed with other people which is another bonus.

I also learned to really think about my classes. Think REALLY hard.

Really can't wait for fall classes, especially since I have a crush on one of the instructors. I guess I'll call him Mr.H? Yeah, that'll do.

Who Runs the Ghost Show anyways???

I spent a bit out of town. Actually, this is the first summer that I have been out of town randomly. The subject that came up among my parents was, what will happen in 2012. I told you before, that I planned on doing my basics here (almost done!) and then just transfer. But now there is the question on where to transfer to. One wants me to move out of town and the other wants me to stay where I am. Out of town seems to be the winning bid, but now I have this feeling of being rushed. How sad.

I keep telling myself, that it's because I don't like change. I wish for it constantly, but when the opportunity comes I find myself hesitate. I am tired of being like that though. I have to stop being in the safe zone and break through the barrier.

Though, I have realized recently that I just about kept my promise to myself. I am living. I just need to live more.

Gleek All About It

I am a bit of a Gleek. I love Lea Michelle, Darren Criss, and Mathew Morrison. But I kind of think Ryan Murphy is an ass. Not because of the whole chopping off the shows best and beloved cast, but because he is doing a crappy show called Glee Project.

I will just call it GP. It's about bringing in twelve hopefuls that want to be the next star on Glee. It's full of bitchy personas, drama, and bad voices (how the hell did some make it through the audition?). While I am all for getting a glipse of Darren Criss, I really don't care for how these cast members treat each other. I am not saying that i think the original glee cast would do any better. I really wouldn't know. Ignorance is bliss. Ryan Murphy comes off to me as a creator looking to make a quick buck like a girl from the Bad Girls Club (though I cannot wait for them).

I feel sorry for the true gleeks. They are going to lose some pretty cool characters. I admit that I was shocked by the news, but the truth is that Glee really doesn't affect me. I know, it's about being a outcast in high school. The thing is I survived that. i really don't need a life lesson from Glee. However, it would be nice to find a show for the college age group that does not involved sex and sororites, but real life.

I want to see girls like me that doesn't live in a fancy dorm. I want to see fanatics trying to keep up with school work. I want to see stupid girls obviously making stupid decisions for "love". I want smoke, failure, and imperfections. I do not want Emma Stone or Blake Lively. I want a girl that is out of school and makes some effort to live happy. I don't want her to just wake up happy with a man interested.

I doubt Hollywood will listen.

Sooooooo Lucky

I say that I am sooooooo lucky because I got a message from my school. I just dropped class and was wondering if the jig was up. I was fearing that they would ask me to pay back some of the semester and lower my future award quantities.

My friends, what happened was the polar opposite. Instead of asking me to pay, they offer me more money. So there I was with two grants under my belt and all the glorious bliss in the world.

I know I seem to come off as a person who uses this federal money for her own pleasures. That I don't even bother trying hard in school and still manage to get what I want. The thing is, that's really not the whole story, it's not even the true story. I have worked hard in my classes, despite all the bitching I did do, I followed through. I never gave up like my friends or my parents. So wouldn't that be enough. I don't even know why I bother caring what you guys think. Hell, I guess I'm just human.

Bottom line, I am once again relieved.

Club Age

Let me introduce a dub called Meg. Meg works part-time at retail and has been drinking since seventeen (her now being twenty). A lot of things piss her off. Players, other drivers, and sucky manicures. It's not these peeves that astound me, it's just one. Meg hates that her grandma clubs the same places she does.

So much so that Meg now refuses to go clubbing at the country clubs her grandma goes to. Which, in a little town like hers, limits her to one pric-y place (Twenty bucks a minor) and a few gay nests.

"It just feels like she is playing kid, and I'm playing the adult. Shouldn't she be into cooking or something?"

I have noticed this at my own town. All clubs that feature country are packed with people in their late forties to early fifties. The women dress in rhinestone, thin t-shirts and the men dress in their cowboy best. The women drool after men in college and speak in Tex Mex when a girl younger than them passes by. It's actually because of this, clubbing has seemed less appealing to me. It's basically that theory where something is cool until older people ruin it. Now that my places are packed with women that used to work at my school "Oh! Hi Mrs. J!" the whole scene seems too safe and less cool.

"Ghost, you wanna go to Reggie's?"

"Um...no, Mrs. Jay goes there and I am not comfortable with her knowing I drink."

This making clubbing less fun, and I have noticed that not even Candy or Bunny bother with it. Meanwhile, my aunts have been going and the very thought that they get to go out there drinking kind of pisses me off. Isn't that really the only fun part about clubbing?

It's funny how our age roles have been switched. To be honest, I really haven't been going because I just feel like I have been there, done that. Go to a club? Check! Get tipsy? Check! Smoke? Check!

Really sad how that stuff doesn't even satisfy me anymore. Meanwhile, Meg's Grandma is rediscovering her youth.

Might get invited to Reggie's tonight, but I might not go if Mrs. J is there. just saying.

Harry F****** Potter

So, it's no secret that the final movie of Harry Potter is released tomorrow. All over my facebook people have been saying how they are all going to see the movie midnight. I say: Fuck that! I am a HP fan, but I am not a fanatic. I am also not a night owl. I am sad that the series is ending, but all great things do.

I remember when I used to go to the HP forums. Remember when forums were that cool? Now it's all about Skype. Anyways, I had a lot of pet peeves in these forums, but the one comment I hate the most is "I had no life before I read the books and watched the movies!"

We live in a generation where media is not only the majority of our lives, but an obsession as well. There are Twilighters, Trekkies, HP fanatics, Whedonites Monsters, Fangbangers, and lets not forget about us Sex and the City shopaholics (it's like they know my love for shoes). But if someone goes as far to say that they had nothing before a book...is just sad.

Maybe these idiots say it because they want to prove to be a fanatic. I don't know. I do know that I have seen a dark side to media obsession, and it's...just not cool. It's sad really. To only have on topic to talk about. To have friends that are only there because you share the same obsession. Spending hours on the internet digging up information, watch the videos, and commenting on forums just so you will be the epic title: Number 1 fan.

If our fore fathers saw us now, would they be pleased with the result? Or would they be fascinated with the Hogwarts school system.

If any of you fanatics came upon this blog after hours of digging some dirt on Harry Potter. If you have Hogwarts decor, cosplay, read the HP collection more than 8 times, and put her facebook name "Draco" let me tell you this: Life is more than fiction. Reality can suck, but when it doesn't suck, it's awesome.

Lifestyle

I have been thinking a lot about how my friends and family have their lives set up and I have mine. If someone were to tell me I have it easy, I wouldn't deny it. I pay no rent, my family is supportive, and my only struggle is school. I look at my married friends, the used friends, and some unfortunate family members and I remember the many thoughts I had about them: they should have known better.

For some reason though, I finally realized that it works for them. It just makes them more interesting. They were able to love and sacrifice while I managed to be cynical and observant. In other words, I knew too much for my own good. Although, sometimes on this blog I ache for a lost love. I am not really suffering because I never sacrificed for him. I was never willing to.

I remember feeling that way in high school too. If I only knew to look around at people who really have it bad, I might appreciate what I got.

I say that I want to be free, but seeing as how I am so sheltered, would I be ready to be off at some university? Or, is it more of a question of whether or not I will jump.

so I have come to accept people either have it better than me (yes, I've met them) or worse. I shouldn't be so ready to judge them by their choices of life. I should be more concerned about my own. Well, thank God I can admit my own faults.

I Want To Marry The Night

Okay, this whole staying at home shit is getting WAY too old. Candy asked me once if I wanted to stay with her for a couple of days. I said no. Not because I wanted to, because I had to. This whole summer school thing is draining. If I were to go anywhere, it would have to be somewhere where there is internet.

I actually miss those idiotic nights where people got drunk and stupid. I never thought I needed a shot of whiskey so bad! But I do. I need three shots just to get my head out of this fog.

Great, now I sound like a alcoholic. Forgive me!

I keep telling myself, just this one summer. But, it pains me that with every chance I get, I fill it with classes. These classes aren't even that fun. Remind me next time to just go for a classroom setting. Not a bed room setting.

So, yeah, not much to really say. I am close to one final and then close to dropping a class. Ugh, don't really like that sound. But it needs to be done.

Happy 4th of July. Please take a shot for me.

Britney's BS

When people think Britney Spears they could think one of two things

1.) That crazy celeb that shaved her head and gets photo raped constantly

or

2.) The pop star that was the first to shed the Disney title like it was an over-sized coat.

With social networking, it's become even more possible to know what your celebs are up to. Lady Gaga posts her philosophies, Ashton Kutcher shares what he thinks is cool on the web, Katy Perry asks fans to send her party pics for concerts, and Kesha really just says random shit.

But what Britney Spears has done is something on a totally cool level. I don't know if she is the first person to do this, or if there are many others. What Spears does is send BS alerts on her facebook/twitter page.

What's a BS alert? I will tell you. Say you pick up one of those God awful magazines like People or OK. They would most likely have a story about Spears. What she does is if she sees anything she deems untrue or unflattering, she will post the magazine on her facebook and call it BS or "bullshit".

She has a album on these alerts. It seems a bit cool to me because all her career, she has had tabloids constantly watching her every move. The fact that celebrities can fight back by web is something to be admired. I know I have said in the past that I believed that facebook and twitter seems to do is feed egos, but I have to admit, there is it's good too.

I Want To Go Off Road

So, I can't wait till the year, and I really can't wait till I get into a university. But, I notice that people keep guiding me to a certain direction. My mom wants this. My dad wants that. I really want to know what I think.

In a sense, my life has always been sheltered. Not because I like it that way, mostly because my family is too damn caring. Not so much as a bad thing, but still. Don't get me wrong though. Right after high school, I made the decision to work rather than go to school, and I even went to places by myself. Ugh, I still sound like a little kid.

But bad things happen that shake up the family, and now I feel like I just keep getting transferred from one prison cell to another.

I won't give up hope though. I just have to try harder.

Still, when I am with Candy and King, and we just say stupid shit and do stupid things, I really like that. Like I am supposed to not care about time. But, I feel like it's just a short-lived illusion.

I haven't really been going out. I just feel like I've seen it all. There is nowhere new. People always have the same drama. The circle just gets smaller.

I will get out of jail soon.

"Have You Lost Weight?" ;)?

So, I have been in this college for a bit. Not saying how long. That's for you to decide. I will say it is more than two semesters. I am very familiar with the student employees that work here. Not like I know them by name, but I know there faces. It's sad, really. What is really sad is that even though they see student after student, they know me.

So, I was at school today because I have to look up something for a class. Also, I need to be away from family! I can only bare them so much! I go to the computer lab and hand in my I. D. The guy in charge of that reminds me of a gentle giant. His arms are freaking big and her is obviously in good shape. He has black hair and I would guess he is Hispanic (muy caliente?). He gets my I.D. looks at me up and down and says "Have you lost weight?"

I had no idea how to say to this. I felt my eyes go wide and I looked up at the ceiling like an idiot and said, "I don't think so. Maybe I got shorter."

"No," he says. "You get shorter by the age of forty."

So like a complete idiot I say, "Oh, that's a relief."

!!!!!

He just said it again. I don't even think I said thanks. I don't remember. So after going to the lab and doing what I normally do, I couldn't help but think up all kinds of good comebacks. Even "What about you? Your looking pretty good yourself." Ugh. Cheesy, but I would have made an impression. After I pick up my I.D. and mutter and thanks. I put my card in my purse and look up to his window only to see that his head just turned.

I don't know how I feel about the whole thing. I guess flattered. Maybe he was trying to flatter me. All I know is that next time he does something like that again, I am totally smitten.

Now, I said last post that I probably gained three pounds. Truth is, I am not sure. I don't own a scale at the moment. I haven't been eating the best foods and haven't been doing much exercise. The tone I once had in my legs is gone. Bet he wouldn't comment when he sees how white and jello like they are. Still, I am totally going to find a scale ASAP!

Why I Just Get More Pale and Less Tanned

I had a vision for this summer. The vision: Days at the beach, nights with vodka, passing both classes with a click of a mouse, and a set of new shoes. Like pumps or maybe a nice sling back. Instead, I got: family drama, failing one class, and going crazy by staying inside for days. Worst thing is I have yet to go to the gym and now I gained about three pounds and lost the tone in my legs. I used to be so proud that I had better legs than King and Bunny and now their like jell-o.

Summer is normally like this for me though. But I really need to get out of the slump soon. First step is going to get a burger with the shy girl that I will dub Net and going to see a movie. It doesn't sound like much, but it leads to something bigger.

Second is that I really want to start hanging out at a library or a cafe. Anything to get out of the house and be myself again.

And third is a membership to a gym.

At least I will soon get those shoes.

I am still worried about the financial aid thing. I have so many scenarios of how this could go down. When I freak out like this, I always have to remind myself that I am not the first person to do this and get out alive. In all honesty, I think they'll just make me pay some fine. I think besides these two withdraws, I have actually done pretty good. I have yet to fail and I would be damned if I fail a class.

It's just a few more weeks and I am done with the mess. ugh. I just need to breath

Just to Say

I look at all these people on facebook and think of how I really don't know them. I guess I know whoever is in my family and some close friends. But everyone else is really just an alumni. Some person I might have known. I see how different they are now. They have kids, drugs, married, or decent members of society.

I kind of have this scene I play in my head, where I meet an ex and show him how much I changed, and how much better things are for me. How I am continuing school and have good goals. Maybe he'll see how mature I have gotten and how much I am interested in more than feeling sorry for myself. Though I do say how much I feel sorry for myself. Well shit, we're not all perfect.

Not that I'm thinking about him. Ugh. I have no idea how I feel. I miss him is basically it. I used to pray he would go away and for once God answered that prayer. Not, whenever I see him on Facebook and when we just do a formal chat. It really sucks.

I always say my future goals does not involve a marriage. But to be honest, if I wouldn't mind this guy being in my future. I want to be a strong person, and haven't fallen in love, but there are some feelings with this guy that is not done.

If I did love him, I would be fighting harder for him, right? Even if I did, I might scare him off. Men suck

F***

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck! Once again needing to drop a class and once again in a pickle with financial aid. Since I am taking online courses this time, there is this one class that is just not working for me. The bad thing is that if I quit now, I will have to pay for next summer session. If I wait till the second bit of money comes in, I will risk a WF, which I hear is not fun. Ugh.

I am just happy this will be my last summer doing classes. I am serious, it is. This will be my last year in a community college. I will go on to a University. I really want to go out of town.

Okay, now I am depressed and pathetic. I need a new topic. Hmm.

Screw it, I'll get back to you on that.

Black Wool

So, every family has an outcast and my family could be described as one. My dad has always been in and out of our lives and people are always feeling sorry for us. I don't really have an average girls goal that my family is used to (find a rich man). I have said this a million times, I just want to be rich.

So today, my family member and my parent clashed and everyone just seems to be getting on their case. It sucks it really does. So I am really left with all the times I have been an outcast.

I guess you know when your not like everyone else is when your uncle says something about you. Nothing too bad, just a comment on your clothes or appearance, and it's so bad your mom gets mad. I guess you know your an outcast when your family doesn't really care what you have to say unless it's juicy gossip. It does hurt m that I have a family like this. But I know that just how families are. They will only really care at the funeral.

Tears are shedding, but not so much because of sadness, more so because it is the truth. No, it's not my immediate family that I'm talking about. It's the others. The mainstream.

But don't pity me on this personal note. I don't come on here to be pitied, I come on here to share what I see. I am an outcast and because of that, I am also a fighter. Whenever my life hits off, they will be begging me to call them everyday. It may not be happening now, but it will happen.

Keeps Getting Bitchy

So, I posted a couple of weeks ago about my devotion to The Voice. So far three of the people I like go in and i have still not lost interest. But Christina Aguilera's attitude is really starting to bug me.

Okay, don't look at me like that! Like I am some troll that is going to do this whole protest against Xtina because I have no life. Not like that at all. I love Xtina (lazy, don't feel like typing the whole name). I listened to here since her Mulan cover. But seeing her as the judge that won't shut up has made me a little uneasy. I guess she is trying to make good TV, but constantly making bromance jokes and saying Adam will soil himself is not appealing. Also, her team performance was really all about her. The girls just acting like back singers. Blake didn't do that, he let his team shine before he got in. And the whole Team Christina sign above was a turn off.

In a way I can't blame her. She is a diva and is used to the spotlight being on her. I still love her music and I know she means well, but I would love it if she toned it down. Ugh, especially the cleavage she displays. Really don't want to see that. Maybe because I'm a girl and if a I were a lesbian (not) I would be more of an ass girl, which hers is spectacular!

Mickey Mouse Ears

There is always this time in a kids life where their lives revolved around Disney and Nickelodeon. When I was little, I had shows like "Clarissa Says It All", "All That", "Rugrats", and "Lizzie McGuire". Just to name a few. There wasn't a day that went by when a little kid didn't quote "Dark Wing Duck" or "Hercules".

But now, it's very different. Instead of "Clarissa", there is "Sunny With a Chance". Sure, the new "So Randam" is to replace "All That" and the "Amanda Show", but there use of too many celeb references and web cams keep the jokes in lacking. What really bugs me is how 90 percent of the time, a new Disney Star is introduced (even Nick) and suddenly he/she is some singer. Really?

I know the current generation of tweens are obsessed with fame and stardom. Who can blame them? It looks so easy? But it's not a big deal if a Disney kid can't sing or dance. Yes, music is great, but there are other things in life.

Money is a Lover

My last post I went on a very pathetic list of all the qualities of a man I wanted. Now, as a mysterious box came to my door step. I knew it to be love at first sight. In the box, was a dream purse of mine. And I can't seem to stop looking at my teal accessory without sighing.

How fucking pathetic. lol. It would be nice to fall in love with someone (preferably a man) and not on fashion. But it's like when things go to shit. A quick glimpse online or a trip to the mall puts my heart at ease.

Sometimes, I would look back at all the things I said as a child. I remember I told my grandma I wanted a baby and no husband. I remember wanting a great mansion with all the maids in butlers I wanted, but no man. I know my home life wasn't great, but my dad was still a father figure, especially when I was younger. So I really don't know where I got the idea as a child. I watched Disney films and love princesses.

I guess I'll just leave it at that. It's sad that my dream is to even wear something my Alexander McQueen than a diamond on my ring finger.

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."
— Lady Gaga

My Ideal Mr. Right

1. He has never met any of my family or friends.

2. He loves music and is open to all types of genres

3. I get that men ALWAYS think about sex, but it would be nice if he understands my decision and supports.

4. Does not dress gangster, country, or prep (you know, those shirts with just the brands on them).

5. Is a Christian (preferably Catholic) man.

6. Is over twenty-five or does not have to party to be happy.

7. Is tall and healthy.

8. Loves me.

9. Knows what he wants in life or has a career.

The sucky part is I had a guy that had most of these qualities, and I just let him go. My stupid eighteen years old self! I thought about him this morning and I can't get his words out of my head. These days, I could kill for a man with at least four of these qualities. Now I wonder if I really want a glamorous lifestyle or a man. Preferably my ex. Ugh.

The Roommate

So, Candy and King decided to move in together. Apparently King's bf was too angry, and Candy and King did get along. Notice that i said "did" instead of "do". I came to their humble abode with the expectations that it would be a decently clean and maybe even roomy. Only to find that there were beer bottles covering the counters and both girl's rooms being a total mess. The girls have to share one already small bathroom and King has no choice but to take up the living room since she is paying the smaller part. Still, you wouldn't think that by looking at these two roommates. Until I realized Candy's ultimate pet peeve that King is guilty of; commentary.

What I mean by commentary is someone that jokes and talks during the movie. I am also guilty of it, but it's really just a couple of remarks spread out. King on the other hand makes it a Olympic sport. While trying to put an all-nighter on a naughty series with a lot of hot guys, King was very...loud. I don't really mind it, but that is Candy's thing.

After King went off to work, Candy confided in me that she is really annoying (meaning King). When I told her that a few flaws were bound to surface, she only made the remark that there were A LOT of flaws.

I guess it doesn't help that they work together and then live together. I wondered myself what kind of a roommate I'd be. I don't think I would be too bad, but who knows.

Can't Possibly be Human, or Warm-Hearted.

This morning, I have been less in reality. I guess it's day dream season. I just know that my mind is in a fog and reality seems to just be a blurry object in the distance. Maybe it's the lack of going out, maybe it's because I haven't had any caffeine (cappucino) in weeks. I just know that I am barely "with it" right now. I am currently in school because being at home all day is only asking for trouble. I have promised my parent that I would go to school at least once a week for help. Ugh. Not the school part, but this being dazed part.

Like every other time I get to this, I think about things of little importance, but I am going to say it anyways, I think girls in their early twenties are complete idiots to getting married. There! I said it! Actually, I also feel the same for boys. I even will go far to say hopping into bed with someone, and getting pregnant is stupid. People my age should be trying to build a life for a husband and family, not just getting one. i don't believe in the whole high school sweathearts bit.

I mean, I'm sure it worked fine for our grandparents and great grandparents. Really cause their generation knows the truth of romance and love. They weren't brainwashed by mainstream or commercials. Sure, they went through the sexual revolution (60's and 70's), but they pretty much wanted the American Dream. They didn't mind staying in the town they grew up in. They grew up faster.

Our generation in the other hand, isn't mature even with a family. We are at this constant "more" stage. Sure, every girl wants to fined "the one", even I would like to find him. But the truth is guys in their twenties might as well be fifteen.

I guess the topic got to me because I have married or engaged friends, and they always seem to have a miserable life. They always complain about communication and how he isn't the same. I feel that they were so warped up with the whole disney romance shit us 90's kids were always fed, that they didn't see the big picture. "Big picture: Yeah, he might love you, but he loves himself as well. He loves is Xbox kinnect because he paid good money for it. He loves the sex, but he wouldn't mind hanging with "the boys more." Not to say these guys couldn't love. I just believe they aren't ready to love. I believe that love isn't just a warm feeling people get. I think it's this thing you have to take care of so it could properly grow.

What really has been bugging me is that unlike my friends that long to have babies and be married, I don't really see that. I don't really want that ten years from now. I want a career, friends, a different night life, the city. I do not want a family. I do not want a soul mate. According to my generation, there is something wrong with me.

Like the Lazy Song Says

I haven't gone out for weeks, and the fact that i was invited to possible mischief tonight and REFUSED has really got me thinking. Why? I haven't really done anything to brag about. Other than playing video games and finishing a essay sentence by sentence. I have been shopping like crazy for summer things. I got nice French perfume, bought my sister's present, bought a short leaved leather jacket, two tops, and shorts on discount. Oh, and I pre-ordered a video game. Wait, bought two books from bn.com.

I guess it's the summer weather that has made me less active. Why that is so, I'll never know. I really just want to do my classes and read a book. I want to get more tanned and not give a damn about my makeup.

So that's all I really wanted to say.

Ugh, can't even do a decent blog right!!!

THIS IS THE VOICE!

Yes, I am doing to posts today. Mostly because I really need to avoid my online classes before my brain explodes! So this post is about the new hit singing competition, the Voice. I was reading Rolling Stone's article on the show. They called it "Idol's Wild Child". Which I could see why.

I used to watch Idol every year. But every year I really lost interest. Mostly because the winners just seem to fit the usual next-door persona. Especially this new guy called Scottie Forgothisname. His baritone voice just didn't appeal to me. I don't even think that girl, Lauren Something, is great either. I watched maybe one or two episodes this season, really just because of the new judges. It's good they bring in new meat, but Tyler and Lopez are so bad at critiquing. I always felt that was another bad thing about American Idol.

But watching to Voice has something different. Instead for those horrible filler bad auditions where the judges basically laugh at the poor contestants, we just get to the good stuff. That is the first appeal. Second is of course the judges. Cee Lo Green? Blake Sheldon? WTF? Not do these people still have a career, but they fight for contestants. Well, not literally, but there is a lot of persuading involved. Not only that, but I am actually rooting for the contestants. With Idol, I always felt I could sing better than those phonies. In Voice, I tip my hat to voices like Javier, Vicki, and Xenia. I know I could never be as good as them.

Next are the live shows. I sadly don't have cable so I would have to watch on hulu. But I am watching till the bitter end.

The Metamorphosis

Lately, I have felt in sync with Lady Gaga (yes I am a monster). Really because I feel I have also been going through this metamorphosis of my own. Only, I am not wearing meat to prove it. Bottom line is, I have changes in my life that i will not mention really because I believe it would interfere with my identity.

Let me tell you, instead, the effect it has on my views. I feel a bit more at ease with the ways things are going for me. Not this fall, but next fall I will further my education in a university. I might be moving to my favorite city, and for some reason this feeling of luck is in the air. Candy and I haven't really been speaking. Not because we don't want to, merely because I am doing summer school and she is working. Trying to figure out her own problems.

I look back at my high school days and tried to remember how I saw life, fashion, music, and boys. Now I realize I am not really attracted to pretty boys, but men of depth. I realize I cannot deny I love pop. I love fashion to the true rapture, and I can be extremely melo-dramatic.

Because, I am at this part of my metamorphosis, I realize that I want to move on. Leave my home, my family, and Candy. Go where I d0n't have a name. Where I can finally introduce myself. It will happen mon ami's. And it's coming by fast.

Camping's Ideal Apocalypse

So, the world was supposed to end Saturday. Some people said at 6 while others said at 9 p.m. Bottom line is we are still here and people that spent life savings on apocalypse billboards are probably really pissed and poor. I would be too.

Really, who did this Harold Camping guy think he was??? I am extremely open minded when it comes to religion. I am a Roman Catholic myself, but I don't mind being around people with different spiritual backgrounds. If you are a satanist, you do you hun. I am not God, I don't have the right to say where you go.

But there is something about Evanangelists (spelled right?) that is very unsettling. They always seem to try to condemn people to hell. If you watch Harry Potter, you're going to hell. If you like to watch shows on NBC that are by Athiests or Jews...you're going to hell. Basically, earth is hell to these people. I can only give my opinion on the matter. I saw a movie called Jesus Camp about a group of devoted Evanangelist kids and their teacher. This group was extremely pro-life and worshiped (I mean literal on-their-knees) George W. Bush ( the son). This one girl talked about other Christian religions (i.e. Catholics) and described them as zombies. I would like to defend my spiritual background in the matter that I find our practice in standing up and sitting down very sacred. It's a practice that has been with us for many centuries to listen and learn. I think it's fine what other religions do, but don't bring down others on a documentary on netflix!

I guess, I am for once prejudice in a fellow Christian religion, which is sad. These Evanangelists are just too out there like Lady Gaga and it's extremely hard to get where there going at. I think Camping should quit trying to figure out when the world's going to end, it's making his own followers look bad spending so much money for nothing. People, I am trying to say we should just enjoy life not anticipate the end. If you believe in heaven or hell, cool, so do I. If you're an athiests, cool, lets be friends and talk about something else. Let us try not to change others. Love thy neighbor!

Virginal in the South

I am reading the book, "Sex and the City" by Candace Bushnell (nothing like Carrie Bradshaw) and have so far accept that Bushnell will not mention the subculture of sexuality: virgins.

On that I happen to be. First I would like to say that I am not going to throw a hissy fit. I am respect her material even if it is nothing like the show (I am a great fan of). Still, girls in their twenties that choose to wait till "the one" are not considered great characters. Unless we are carrying God's child (I do hope that never happens to me), we aren't really considered a role model.

Sookie Stackhouse from the HBO series is a great exception, but notice how there aren't many episodes of her as a virgin. The minute she sees Bill the Vampire, she knew she wouldn't be a virgin for long.

In my case, it's different. I don't have vampires around and have high expectations. I admit that that is overboard, but I really do prefer for the one. I admit though, it's tempting to just get it over with. Just go to a party and get the whole messy thing done. Just to see what's the big deal about it. In my heart though, I feel like it wouldn't be worth it.

Because I am a virgin, finding a true guy has become difficult not because I am a prude, rather because its a sport for guys to be to first. I could see the appeal. For them it's like being Christopher Columbus finding new land. Like I said before, it's considered a sport to get the virgin, making it extremely difficult for me.

So, here I am waiting, wondering if I am such a virgin, why do I know too much about sex? I give up on wondering and just consider it a gift. I pray each day that with every passing man the one will be closer.

Still, as sad as this sounds, romance and sex are not at the top of my lists. It's independence and travel. How sad is that?

Exams, You Understand

I have to keep this quick, mainly because this is probably the last time I will use the schools internet for the semester. I haven't been posting not because of drama, rather because of my studies. I am right now on edge on my last test. I PRAY I passed the course. I mean that I actually did the sign of the cross five times before the exam. I am still praying. Why do teachers have to wait so long to give the grades out? Ugh!

So my last one is coming up, but this is actually a easy one. That would totally suck if I failed the class I claimed I could do with my eyes closed. Shit! Now I am actually nervous about this test.

Candy and I have been a little on edge. I have been introduced to one of her friends that I will call King (she is a girl and heterosexual). I call her that because she likes Stephen King. King is okay, and really hates Bunny. I don't know how I really feel about her though. I saw her doing some hardcore drugs last week, and I am not really comfortable with that aspect. I get it if you use to relax and there is no future harm (like mary jane) but they things they had were too much for me. And I say they. She lives with two other guys her were total a-holes and i think she is seeing one of them.

I hope to write again soon. A lot more will probably happen. I am doing online courses soon and will have more time on my hands. Please pray for my grades!

Whenever a Dream Comes True

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write epic books for girls who were like me. Shy and didn't know what to really think of the world. Like most dreams, it just got lost in a sea of drama and unfairness the world had to offer. So that dream was put aside. It was put aside for things like education, family, job hunting.

I had a lot of ideas too. I wanted to write things for teen girls. I had so many story lines and they are still in my head. But, seeing it on the computer screen is just something I can't do. I have tried so many times, but I could never do it. I can't seem to put my stories out there on a screen.

So, last night I was looking through my spirals (fyi, I'm a school supplies hoarder), and I saw so many poems. Okay, not so many. But it then hit me what I was good at was writing poetry.

So, I'm looking through all the old spirals and notes (yes, I wrote poems on my notes), and even making some new ones. Maybe I was just always a poet.

If I am able to publish my book...well that would be great. That would be just a dream come true.

The Big Picture

Lately, Candy and I haven't been spending time. I would guess because I schedules are weird. I was really disturbed by that too even though I said on a previous blog that I didn't really care. The thing is I do care. A lot. That really really sucks.

Still, we have been in this pattern before, and we always go right back to the beginning.

But I have been thinking a lot about the people I hang around with. They are either too party going to too book smart, but they are not the people I always pictured myself being around. People, when I was young, I had a vision of me being single with my own place in the city of New York, with friends of great culture. This is going to sound harsh, but none of my friends are very cultured. So, I told my mom how hard it is for me to talk or relate to things with my friends. How i always felt like I'm too old for my own age group. She told me I was right. She also told me that there are two people: Ones that have a life at an early age and ones that have a life in a later age. this meaning being that I probably won't have my honest fun and friends until later like Candy is having hers now. It was harsh, scary, but very true.

So, I have to stop worrying about friends and concentrate on myself. I have to get my classes out of the way and get out in the real world, that way, I can finally face my life.

Where I'll Stop Nobody Knows

First off I would like to say that people have actually been viewing this blog. Not a bother, but it's nice to know I am being viewed. Since I didn't tell any of my friends (except from a website) about this blog, I am happy to know a complete stranger is watching. And that sounded creepy. Is it my charm that is so appealing?

Okay, enough about me.

So, right now, American is really going through crazy shit because of our debt. I'm not a political brain, but I do know that we might end up borrowing money from other countries. Some people (Republicans?) think that doing so would show weakness. Which I could see why. Politics must have been invented by man because it's always about making countries seem tough. The affect it will have on my generation is not so good. There is the fact that Planned Parenthood might be doing less planning, Financial Aid would could cut in half, and tuition just went up eight dollars.

I heard on CNN earlier today that the Republicans do not want to give fair taxes to the rich. My British fantasy would say "Why the bloody hell not???" I agree.

Like I said before, America is full of celebrities, ones that really don't do anything. Rich celebrities. Imagine just giving a fair amount to all those no good celebrities, how this would suck less. Lord knows the decrease we would get if Oprah did them. I don't know if they do, like I said, I am not a politics brain. I just found the topic that the rich get richer while the poor get poorer very interesting.

So if there is anyone 18-25 please vote for whatever election. It's obvious that our generation is also suffering from this. Mid-class home owners are not alone on this. Also, don't spend money on the latest iPhone or Xbox or something like that. We are obviously going to need the money seeing as how this country is really going to the dogs.

So because of my debt scare and my feeling lonely, I keep thinking one thing. That was Get the hell out of the U.S.. I know that other places have it worse, but I will get to that.

I am very broke though. At this point I couldn't afford to buy luggage for a grand trip to Europe. I need to go somewhere rich with culture and not run by media. I am actually having a love/hate relationship with facebook. I am tired of mass media, even tired of Lady Gaga. Yes, it's getting THAT bad.

So I want to volunteer for a few months.

You read correctly. I want to volunteer in a poverty stricken country. I think I need to be away from family and friends for a little while to really find at least a piece of myself. Maybe even to be more appreciative of my own country.

I didn't know that even volunteer for a few months in a country, you also need to pay. Which is not really cool. But, if I do get the job, and I save enough, maybe I'll go.

My sub header mention fulfillment, but I haven't really been filling lately. So, this summer I am going to work on that.

I just don't feel like I belong

I know for a fact that I am not the only person that feels this way. I can't possibly be. But the feeling has become more prominent these past two days. A weekend of not going out has really made me look at the big picture here. That is that no matter how much I stay out or how fun it is, I don't really fit with that group. Maybe Candy and I would always be friends, but not really. Like we could do without each other fine. I think we just rely on each other (myself especially) like a drug we can't live without. It really sucks because no matter how many people I meet in my city, I don't fit in. I really don't. They want to talk about each other and Jersey Shore, but I want to talk about books, society, politics, and to live in a place like Italy and France. Shit, not even the students at this damn community college get me. You think they would at least be a bit more into the things I am into. It seems that when I go on about the symbolism of Scarlet Letter without mentioning Easy A, they look at me like I am speaking in another language. My mom always tells me that I need people who like books and social sciences. I agree, but there very hard to find. I hate to say it, but I need to move out of this state. I really do. But how am I supposed to do that?

All that Glitters is Fame

You will be very interested to know dear readers that I did NOT go out two nights in a row which is great progress. I am still sleepy, but not dead-to-the-world sleepy. Like I-could-make-it-sleepy. It's good to because this week is very important with one last test to change my grade point average and an essay due, I have to be on my A game.

I guess the reason for my lack of going out is the fact that I have been too busy looking for a job. It's more pressuring to do it in such a crappy economy. Why am I doing this? Because I believe I was Marie Antoinette in a past life-meaning I am a shopoholic. No, I am not joking. So far, I have gotten better. I don't rely on ebay as much, but anytime I go to a mall or shopping center it gets hard to resist. So, to feed this habit, I must get a job because Financial Aid can only do so much. I already spent a lot and that's just with things for class. I didn't even splurge this year.

I should get a call sometime this week. I applied at a clothing store and the girls that I know I was up against was two girls. One used to work at Dilliards, but has a huge job gap. The other is a mother of...I guess three. I feel really bad for the latter because who really wants to steal a job from a single mother who is trying to fight the recession? As sickened as I was by my interview, I still put on my shit-eating grin and talked in my tourist guide voice (maybe a should apply for that).

So, with my new time on hand, I was looking on E a lot, and what do you know, they are talking about the Kardashians.

I think reality TV is a huge waist of money. Sure, I am addicted to Bad Girls Club, but I know those girls don't come back unless their real good at being...bad? It's shows that involve the Kardashians, Kendra (girl that's married to that athlete), teen moms, and Jersey Shore that seriously piss me off. I say, shows on teen pregnancy just encourage it no matter how many safe sex campaigns MTV puts on. Kardashians and Kendra are nothing spectacular. Yeah, I know the Kardashians have their own store, but there might as well be a store for ALL shop owners. They say stupid things and everything is about drama. The only thing interesting about Kendra was that she was Hugh Heff's girlfriend. And Jersey Shore is...you get, stupid.

It really pisses me off that those people live so well without having to lift a finger while the rest of us are looking for employment and most that really deserve it won't get picked because they have a family to raise. U. S. ...what the hell?

Here is What I Know

There is this girl that I befriended. She has been described to be a lot like me. She is shy, soft-spoken, and very media friendly. When I do see her though, I found her to be worse. Her whole life is based on TV, books, studies, and movies. She doesn't have a facebook and her first night out was with me and Candy.

As we were out dancing and smoking (something legal) she only laughed at mine and Candy's banter, but she did not speak a word.

How could I be described as this girl. Also, how could this girl still be in her shell?

I have been locked in my shell countless times. It never did me much good to stay. When I am in isolation, its like the whole world slows down to this gooey molasses and everything you made an excuse for seems believable. It's a cage of excuses.

But now-little by little- I am out of that cage. Not completely, but I don't see bars.

Here is what I know.

When there is a chance to do something, act like it's the only chance you'll get. Remember that everyone has two sides to them, catch love when it shows, laugh at stupid jokes, and dance even if its by yourself.

That is what I know for now.

I hope that girl would take my advice.

The Mid Term Sickness

So, it's mid term which means that everyone has up to here (well, I guess you can't see it, but its very high) with the semester. I am a reading review away to call it quits and just backpack to Europe. Why not? It's good exercise and I get culture out of it. But, I wont because that would really just be a huge waste of money...even if I am not paying for it.

I have been very sleepy, so studying for *** is the last thing on my mind right now. Even if the educator is a stud muffin, I still couldn't concentrate in class. My mom says I should start taking vitamins or something, but its really hard to do that when my grade is at stake...okay and I have been going out again.

I can't wait for summer. The time for road trips, family, and friends. I can't wait for all of that. Also for the late nights and 12 hour sleep. Yes!

Just think of the Night Life

So, I am not going to give the details of the weekend. Just that i keep promising myself that I won't go out. That I have to study and be good. But, I realized that...its hard. Really hard. I didn't sleep with some random guy or make myself look trashy, but it made me realize how hard it is to get away from the night life. The glitter and tight clothes is only the paper that carries the drug of the night life. The music, the neon lights, and the smoke it a fantasy that vanishes by sunrise.

My New Years Resolution was to go out at least twice a month and now, I have been following through by going out every weekend. Now, its like my week is only a dream and the clubs are where I really belong.

I don't really feel bad abut my actions anymore. Just confused on how all this shit works. I know in the back of my mind, those clubs and that music will be considered to small for me. I would grow old and be like those ladies in country bars that try to be like on Sex and the City. Only that they have nothing witty to say and drunk off their asses. I pray to not be like them and more of the Carrie Bradshaw type-classy. I just hope I don't have to move to New York to do it.